Ooh tough

True dat

Baby Got WACC

W.

And then the fight started

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver’s license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at
home.

I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.

The woman said, ‘Unbutton your shirt’.

So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, ‘That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me’ and she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.

She said, ‘You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too’

And then the fight started…

********

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.

True* story

The Rambo Granny of Melbourne , Australia

Gun-toting granny Ava Estelle, 81, was so ticked-off when two thugs raped her 18-year-old granddaughter that she tracked the unsuspecting ex-cons down – - and shot off their testicles.

The old lady spent a week hunting these men down — and when she found them, she took revenge on them in her own special way, said Melbourne police investigator Evan Delp. Then she took a taxi to the nearest police station, laid the gun on the sergeant’s desk and told him as calm as could be:

‘Those bastards will never rape anybody again, by God.’

Cops say convicted rapist and robber Davis Furth , 33, lost both his penis and his testicles when outraged Ava opened fire with a 9-mm pistol in the hotel room where he and former prison cell mate Stanley Thomas, 29, were holed up.

The wrinkled avenger also blew Thomas’ testicles to kingdom come, but doctors managed to save his mangled penis, police said. The one guy, Thomas, didn’t lose his manhood, but the doctor I talked to said he won’t be using it the way he used to, Detective Delp told reporters. Both men are still in pretty bad shape, but I think they’re just happy to be alive after what they’ve been through.

The Rambo Granny swung into action August 21 after her granddaughter Debbie was carjacked and raped in broad daylight by two knife-wielding creeps in a section of town bordering on skid row. ‘When I saw the look on my Debbie’s face that night in the hospital, I decided I was going to go out and get those bastards myself ’cause I figured the Law would go easy on them,’ recalled the retired library worker. ‘And I wasn’t scared of them, either–  because I’ve got me a gun and I’ve been shooting’ all my life. And I wasn’t dumb enough to turn it in when the law changed about owning one’

So, using a police artist’s sketch of the suspects and Debbie’s description of the sickos’, tough-as-nails, Ava spent seven days prowling the wino-infested neighbourhood where the crime took place till she spotted the ill fated rapists entering their flophouse hotel.

I knew it was them the minute I saw ‘em, but I shot a picture of ‘em anyway and took it back to Debbie and she said sure as hell, it was them, the oldster recalled.

So I went back to that hotel and found their room and knocked on the door and the minute the big one, , opened the door, I shot ‘em right square between the legs, right where it would really hurt ‘em most, you know.

Then I went in and shot the other one as he backed up pleading to me to spare him. Then I went down to the police station and turned myself in.

Now, baffled lawmen are trying to figure out exactly how to deal with the vigilante granny. What she did was wrong, and she broke the law, but it is difficult to throw an 81-year-old woman in prison, Det. Delp said, especially when 3 million people in the city want to nominate her for Mayor.

[*Source]

Old jokes home

Two old guys (not quite as old as this joke) are sitting in a bar when the first one says, ‘Ya know, when I was thirty and got an erection, I couldn’t bend it, even using both hands. By the time I was forty, I could bend it about ten degrees if I tried really hard. By the time I was fifty, I could bend it about twenty degrees, no problem. I’m gonna be sixty next week, and now I can bend it in half with just one hand.’

‘So,’ says the second drunk, ‘what’s your point?’

‘Well, I’m just wondering how much stronger I’m gonna get.’

Questions about aging

Q: Where can men over the age of 60 find younger, sexy women who are interested in them?
A: Try a bookshop, under fiction.

Q: What can a man do while his wife is going through menopause?
A: Keep busy. If you’re handy with tools, you can finish the spare room.  When you are done you will have a place to live.

Q: Someone has told me that menopause is mentioned in the Bible Is that true? Where can it be found?
A: Yes. Matthew 14:92: “And Mary rode Joseph’s ass all the way to Egypt.”

Q: How can you increase the heart rate of your 60+ year old husband?
A: Tell him you’re pregnant.

Q: What can I do for these crow’s feet and all those wrinkles on my face?
A: Go braless. It will usually pull them out.

Q: Is it common for 60+ year olds to have problems with short term memory storage?
A: Storing memory is not a problem, retrieving is a problem.

Q: As people age, do they sleep more soundly?
A: Yes, but usually in the afternoon.

Q: Where should 60+ year olds look for glasses?
A: On their foreheads.

Q: What is the most common remark made by 60+ year olds when they enter antique stores?
A: “OH!, I remember these.”

What starts with ‘F’ and ends ‘uck’?

A fireman is polishing his fire engine outside the fire station when he notices a little girl at the residence next door in a little red cart with little ladders hung on the side and a garden hose in her hand.

The little girl is wearing a fireman’s helmet and has the cart tied to a dog and a cat. The fire-fighter walks over to take a closer look.

“That’s a lovely fire engine,” he says admiringly. “Thankyou,” says the little girl.

The fireman looks closer and notices the little girl has tied one of the cart’s strings to the dog’s collar and one to the cat’s testicles.

“Little friend,” says the fire-fighter, “I don’t want to tell you how to run your fire engine, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat’s collar, I think you could probably go a lot faster.”

The little girl pauses for a moment, looks at the wagon, at the dog and at the cat, then shyly looks into the fireman’s eyes and says:

“You’re probably right, but then I wouldn’t have a fucking siren, would I?”

Oh, I Wish I’d Looked After Me Tits

Oh, I Wish I’d Looked After Me Tits

By Pam Ayres

Oh, I wish I’d looked after me dear old knockers,
Not flashed them to boys behind the school lockers,
Or let them get fondled by randy old dockers,
Oh, I wish I’d looked after me tits.

‘Cos now I’m much older and gravity’s winning.
It’s Nature’s revenge for all that sinning,
And those dirty memories are rapidly dimming,
Oh, I wish I’d looked after me tits

‘Cos tits can be such troublesome things
When they no longer bounce, but dangle and swing.
And although they go well with my Bingo wings,
I wish I’d looked after me tits.

When they’re both long enough to tie up in a bow,
When it’s not the sweet chariot that swings low,
When they’re less of a friend and more of a foe,
Then I wish I’d looked after me tits.

When I was young I got whistles and hoots,
From the men on the site to the men in the suits,
Now me nipples get stuck in the zips on me boots,
Oh, I wish I’d looked after me tits.

When I was younger I rode bikes and scooters,
Cruising around with my favourite suitors.
Now the wheels get entangled with my dangling hooters,
I wish I’d looked after me tits.

When they follow behind and get trapped in the door,
When they’re less in the air and more near the floor,
When people see less of them rather than more,
Oh, I wish I’d looked after me tits.