Archive for December, 2008
True dat
A young boy and his father were in a store when they walked past a rack of condoms.
Being a curious young lad, the boy asked his father, “What are these things daddy?”
His dad said, “Condoms son.” The boy asked, “Why do they come in packs of 1,3, and 12?”
The dad replied, “The packs with one are for the high school boys, one for Saturday night; the ones with three are for the college boys, one for Friday, Saturday and Sunday; and the ones with twelve in them are for the married men, one for January, one for February, one for March….”
Add comment December 23, 2008
The Irish Way
Paddy & Mick go to London to donate sperm. It was a disaster! Paddy missed the tube & Mick came on the bus!!
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A Muslim was sitting next to Paddy on a plane. Paddy ordered a whiskey.
The stewardess asked the Muslim if he’d like a drink.
He replied in disgust “I’d rather be raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips!”
Paddy handed his drink back & said “Me too, I didn’t know we had a choice!”
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Paddy calls Easyjet to book a flight. The operator asks “How many people are flying with you?”
Paddy replies “I don’t know! Its your fookin plane!!”
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Paddy & Murphy are working on a building site.
Paddy says to Murphy “I’m gonna have the day off, I’m gonna pretend I’m mad!”
He climbs up the rafters , hangs upside down & shouts “I’M A LIGHTBULB! I’M A LIGHTBULB!” Murphy watches in amazement!
The Foreman shouts “Paddy you’re mad, go home” So he leaves the site.
Murphy starts packing his kit up to leave as well.
“Where the hell are you going?” asks the Foreman.
“You can”t expect me to work in the fookin dark!” says Murphy.
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Two Irish couples decided to swap partners for the night.
After 3 hours of amazing sex Paddy says “I wonder how the girls are getting on”
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Paddy takes his new wife to bed on their wedding night.
She undresses & lies on the bed spread-eagled & says “You know what I want don’t you?”
“Yeah,” says Paddy. “The whole friggin bed by the looks of it!”
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Q. What’s a Catholic priest & a pint of Guinness got in common?
A. black coat, white collar & you’ve got to watch your arse if you get a dodgy one!
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Paddy the electrician got sacked from the U.S. prison service for not servicing the electric chair. He said in his professional opinion it was a death trap!
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Paddy’s chat up lines:
- Did ya fart? ‘Cos ya just blew me away!
- Are your parents retarded? ‘Cos your special!
- My love for you is like diarrhoea. I just cant hold it in!
- Is there a mirror in your knickers? ‘Cos I can see myself in them!
- Your body reminds me of a spanner. Evertime I think of you my nuts tighten up!
- You might not be the best looking girl in here, but beauty is only a light switch away!
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Paddy, the Irish boyfriend of the woman who’s head was found on Arbroath beach was asked to identify her.
A detective held up the head at which point Paddy said “I don’t think that’s her, she wasn’t that tall!”
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Paddy & his wife are lying in bed & the neighbours dog is barking like mad in the garden. Paddy says “To hell with this!” & storms off.
He comes back upstairs 5 mins later & his wife asks “What did you do?”
Paddy replies “I’ve put the dog in our garden, lets see how they like it!”
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An Irishman is shagging a Jewish girl & says “You’re not very tight for a Jew!”
She says “Well you’re not very thick for a Paddy!”
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Paddy is said to be shocked at finding out all his cows have Bluetongue.
“Be Jeysus!” he said, “I didn’t even know they had mobile phones!”
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Mick & Paddy are reading head stones at a nearby cemetery.
Mick say “Crikey! There’s a bloke here who was 152!”
Paddy says “What’s his name?”
Mick replies “Miles from London!”
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An Irishman is rowing his boat in a field of hay.
Paddy drives past & stops. He looks at the Irishman in the boat & shouts “Its thick fuckwits like you what give us Irish a bad name!
I’d come over there & kick the shit out of you if I could swim!”
Add comment December 19, 2008
Groucho-isms
“I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn’t it.”
“I’ve got the brain of a four year old. I’ll bet he was glad to be rid of it.”
“One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I’ll never know.”
“Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog it’s too dark to read.”
“Please accept my resignation. I don’t care to belong to any club that will have me as a member.”
“Well, art is art, isn’t it? Still, on the other hand, water is water! And east is east and west is west and if you take cranberries and stew them like applesauce they taste much more like prunes than rhubarb does. Now, uh… now you tell me what you know.”
“Time flies like an arrow, fruit flies like a banana.”
Add comment December 18, 2008
Silent wtiness
An elderly couple was attending church services.
About halfway through, she leaned over and whispered to her husband,
“I just let out a long silent fart. What do you think I should do?”
He replied,
“Well, after the service we’re going stop by the drug store on the way home to buy a new battery for your hearing aid.”
Add comment December 17, 2008
Finding good help is difficult
Seen my new secretary?” asked the businessman.
“Yeah,” his buddy replied,” she’s gorgeous.”
“Well, she’s a Robot, the latest model from Japan.”
“Jeez, that’s amazing! What can she do?”
“If you squeeze her left tit, she takes dictation. If you squeeze her right tit, she types 185 words per minute for you. And when you screw her it feels better than the real thing.”
“Sounds perfect.”
“l got hurt once, though.”
“How?”
“Well,” he grimaced, “let’s just say I didn’t know her ass was a pencil sharpener.”
<rimshot>
Add comment December 16, 2008
