Yo Momma

Samples from my new latest favorite site, Postcards From Yo Momma:

Subject: A Mother’s Warning

Be careful! PENILE warts are rampant on college campuses.

Just thought you should know.

Love,
Mom

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Subject: Thank you for introducing me to this world!

Backstory: I came out to my mother almost six years ago, when I was 14. She was hesitant at first, but she has gotten increasingly excited about being the parent of a lesbian ever since.

At [PFLAG's] dinner now. Wonderful scene at a trendy building in Tribeca overlooking the Hudson. I am now hearing speeches from men dressed as Miss America contestants in crowns and evening gowns. Thank you for introducing me to this world!

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Subject: OMG!!!!!!!!!

I just found out what it means when they call Sarah Palin a MILF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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Text Message Panic

mom: hello please text me back if you get this.
me: got it
mom: oh good I thought something was wrong with my text messages. I have sent 3 texts to your brother but no reply. I am worried he’s dead or worse just drunk all the time.
me: I talked to him this morning, he’s not dead at least. I can’t vouch for the rest.
mom: I’m so glad I learned this texting stuff just so I could “supposedly” communicate with him. I’m now paying 30 extra bucks a month for him to ignore me, like always.
me: well at least you’re all hip now with your cool new phone.
mom: whoop de do

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Subject: You Could Even Pass Out!

You know…food, drink, play…at our house. Did you have something else in mind? You could tell me what you want for food and a birthday dessert and I’d make you bloody marys or whatever. You could pass out and I wouldn’t let anyone take your picture and post it on the internet.

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Subject: I am in awe of you…until I see your room.

I love you. I miss you. I am exceedingly proud of you. You have more good things going for you than I could ever, in a chemically-induced frame of mind, have imagined for myself at your age! I am serious and sometimes am in awe of you.

And then I see your room after you have lived in it for 24 hours, and I think “Jeez, can’t she get her shit together?”

xoxoxoxoxox

Mama

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Thoughts on Death

Backstory: I was discussing with my mother how callous my family can be about the death of a loved one.

Mom: That is true. We are ruthless and efficient if nothing else
Me: it’s the German in us
Mom: Yep. Our motto is ” die already. We got better newer versions of you who could use some furniture

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Subject: Free the little birthday check!

On May 1st a check was born. Alas, like an unbaptized soul in Limbo, it has not reached check heaven. Check heaven is a place of great joy for birthday checks because there it can reach its full potential. No longer folded upon itself, ashamed to show its worth; it is free to pay bills, pay down debt, buy things you need or even to swell the balance of your checking or savings accounts. It could even be earning interest! Don’t let it suffer any longer. Free the little birthday check.

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Dye Job

mom: Have you seen that show “The Doctors”?
me: yes.
mom: It’s very informative. I really love it.  Did you know your can dye your p*ssy hair??
me: WHAT!? MOM!!!
mom: I KNOW, I was so surprised! But you have to use a special dye.

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Subject: You Want Me to be Blogger Mother of the Year?

So it’s not enough that I gave birth to you, raised you as a single parent, organized countless birthday parties, play dates, and sports activities (remember the diving team?), made brownies and science projects, paid for braces and contact lenses, took you trick or treating in the rain, was the Tooth Fairy, Santa Clause, the Easter Bunny and Dr. Phil, cooked for you, cleaned up your vomit, decorated your bedroom, took you to the emergency room, paid for 4 years of a private college, watched you die your hair a million different colors, pretended not to mind when you showed up for my 50th birthday with a shaved head, bought you your first car, consoled you throughout your countless relationships, moved you about 12 times (including security deposits-which I never got back!), paid rent when your psycho roommates bounced, bought you outfits for proms, graduations, and interviews, wrote your college essays and resumes…

and now you want me to be blogger mother of the year??????

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Subject: Burpin’ Bubbles

Mom: You will NEVER believe what your father did last night!!!
Me: Oh Lord, did he fall off the ladder again?!?!
Mom: Hehe! No. He got drunk.
Me: Ok..?
Mom: He got so drunk, he ate a bar of soap.
Me: GROSS!!!
Mom: Yeah, no kidding. It was Irish Spring.
Me: Well is he ok?
Mom: Oh he’s just dandy. The only side effect is that he keeps burping and tasting it. Unfortunately, he’s not burping any bubbles, which is what I really want to see.
Me: Why?
Mom: I think it’d be cool to be married to a walking, talking bubble machine.
Me: You seriously need to redefine your definition of cool woman.
Mom: So do you want me to videotape it for you if it does happen?
Me: duh!

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Subject: No Congratulations Necessary

If you get that Congratulations thingy at the bottom of the screen saying you have won a gift certificate -
DON’T BELIEVE IT! It’s a trick. Believe me. love Granny

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Subject: You Had Fangs

While perusing your baby registry, I noticed that you have breast crème on your list, and I may be wrong, but I vaguely recall that Nursing Mothers Association recommended against crème, and suggested instead sunbathing topless to toughen your nipples…cream may keep them too soft-that book I sent you is really helpful, even though it is put out by a bunch of breastfeeding zealots, in my opinion. Anyhow, check it out-I may be misremembering-and maybe cream is good if your nipples crack-which mine never did except for the time you bit me-and you had fangs-I did try to sunbathe topless when we lived on that sixty-acre farm, and a small plane kept flying over-at first I thought it was a coincidence, then, when it kept coming back lower and lower, I realized the pilot could probably see me, so I flipped him the bird, and he came back again and waved his wings at me…I was pissed-even in the country on a sixty-acre farm there’s no privacy!!

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The Truth Behind Dad’s Itinerary

Backstory: I’m in Spain for a semester abroad and Dad is coming for a visit.

Mom: Daddy flew home last night and spent the night in CT, then left this afternoon for the airport. He is excited about your weekend together. Heard that he rented a car. If my memory is correct, the roads in Spain between Madrid and Grenada can be steep and twisty so if anyone tends to get carsick they should sit in the front. He has your stuff (I hope) but I don’t see it anywhere around the house so that’s a good sign! Love, the Mama
Me: I was a bit curious why his itinerary showed him flying out of JFK. So he just came home for a day?
Mom: Quite frankly, your father came home for a booty call.

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Mom’s Anti-LOLCat Platform

I don’t like the stuff with kitties using bad English and spelling- I imagine they speak with a perfect British accent. and are particular with their spelling and punctuation!!! But the pics are funny!

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Thoughts on Kiwi

I don’t like them. They look like testicles, and therefore I can’t think of anything else when I try to eat them.