BoCL-Reading

reading craigslist > personals > missed connections

At Wegmans. Your nose was bleeding. – m4w – 37 (Reading)
Reply to: pers-gd33c-1264565935@craigslist.org
Date: 2009-11-04, 11:35PM EDT

You are a stunning blond, about 4′2″ with a large forehead and receding hairline.

You wore a white baseball cap that said “Thug Life” on it in plastic diamonds, a BINGO 4 LIFE t-shirt and black pleather pants.

Your nose was bleeding and there was the cutest little bit of coke dusted on your upper lip.

You yelled “You ain’t got no pancake mix!” to the girl at the checkout, threw some candy bars at her and stormed out.

You looked like an angel.

Please…if you by some miracle of God read this message…please contact me. I’ve got all the pancake mix you need.

Location: Reading

Bobble, first edition

best of craigslist > seattle-tacoma >
Originally Posted: Wed, 16 Jul 14:27 PDT

Autographed copy of the Bible – $1,000,000,000 OBO

Date: 2009-11-16, 2:27PM PDT

I have a near-mint copy of the Bible, signed by the Big J.C. himself. According to Amazon, this is one of the better selling books of all time. I’m guessing the Prince of Peace would be happy to hear that.

This book was entrusted to me by the Knights of Templar, who borrowed it from Our Savior sometime between 28 and 32 AD and forgot to give it back. It was one of those things where they said they’d return it in a week, but then they didn’t get around to reading it right away. And you know how you always feel bad returning a book you haven’t read, especially when the lender asks you what you thought of it.

So in trying to avoid an awkward moment with the Alpha and Omega, they hung onto it until they had more time. Well that time turned into about 2000 years, and it got mixed in with some other books and made it into a yard sale box.

At first, the King of Kings’ signature wasn’t worth much, but after Our Redeemer died on the cross for your sins, apparently the value skyrocketed and then rose more gradually over the next 2000 years as more people learned of the Good Shepherd’s story.

Why am I selling it? I could say that I’m interested in sharing the Word of God with someone else – become a “Fisher of Men” so to speak. But the truth is I just bought an Xbox 360 and don’t have room on the bookshelf for both. I’ll either use the money to fight world hunger, or buy that Rock Band game I’ve been hankering for.

it’s NOT ok to contact this poster with services
or other commercial interests

Best of CL: sorry Mr. Fraud, I fucked up

best of craigslist > washington, DC >

Dear Mr. Fraud, I am sorry
Date: 2009-01-10, 11:48AM EST

Dear Mr. Fraud,

I owe you a few apologies:

• I am sorry for responding and saying sure I am happy to engage in a bizarre business deal with you knowing full well it isn’t real.

• I am sorry you wasted time to print a horrible fake check.

• I am sorry you spent $4.90 UPS’ing it to me overnight.

• I am sorry for taking a few days to get back to you after I got the check and ask you for your phone number which you can’t give me. I knew that and still I emailed you for the phone number.

• I am sorry that I lied to you and said I could not find a western union office near me, making you look them up, emailing me a list and me telling you those two liquor stores are shut down.

• I am sorry that I lied to you about getting pissed at the western union office because they wanted $1.75 to cut a check and that I said that’s robbery and left in a huff. The truth is I never went there in the first place. Sorry for wasting your time that day.

• I’m sorry I lied the next day after you threaten to call the FBI and local police on me because I cashed your check and would not pay you. I knew you would not, but I wrote you an email begging you not to call the police and that I would pay you tomorrow after I cashed the check.

• I’m sorry that I lied the next day and said the western union office girl was rude to me so I left in anger, again delaying your money by another day.

• Im sorry I lied about sending the money to western union in your name vs the shipper so you could not pick it up. I realize this cost you a day or so.

• I am really sorry that I lied and said that the money order was at your western union, but off by 1 zip code making you drive 30 minutes to find out I am a liar.

• Your last email to me was justified. Obviously from your language you were pissed. The fact that you yelled and your grasp of the English language seemed to fade away like my Mom’s when she is livid showed me what a bad person I am.

• Your phone call from Africa was upsetting because as you were trying to explain to me how to go down to western union and pay the $1.75 and you would pick up the fee, I realized how frustrated you were getting. I also lied about being hard of hearing and asking you to yell. Sorry.

All in all, I am sorry for sucking up your bandwidth. I realize that my actions probably sucked up 6-10 hours of your time and kept you from fleecing some gullible person in America. Please forgive me.

Go ahead and send me another forged check and I will send you my cash to your shipper.

Please try me again. Even though I lied you to about 15 times I won’t do it again.

Your friendly computer person,
MHF

• it’s NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

CL- wife for sale

seattle-tacoma > general

Wife for Sale (Puget Sound)

Date: 2009-05-19, 7:08AM PDT

Wife for sale, should have a lot of miles on her cuz she’s never worked, sits around mostly and complains.

Perhaps you could use her in a management position to tell others what their doing wrong and how stupid they are.

Seems to be an expert on everything from banking, sports, politics, customer service, resturant management and much more though she’s never done any of this.

The price is negotiable and includes dogs, 2 cars, and a mountain of criticism.

Dogs, $1,000
Cars, $50,000
Getting her out of my life, priceless.

Location: Puget Sound

Better homes and prisons

All the tenants I interview aren’t good enough

Available Immediately – Broadway and Commercial – Showing Saturday and Sunday – Email for directions and additional information.

What kind of apartment is it?

• One bedroom basement apartment with separate entrance
• Tastefully decorated with modern décor
• Approximately 650 square feet
• There is even a window! Security bars installed for your safety and to prevent unauthorized activity
• Closed circuit camera installed for security and safety. One in your suite, one at the entrance, and one in the exercise yard

Rent:
• $480.00 per month
• First month’s rent + ½ month security deposit due at move in
• Small pet allowed with approval and payment of additional ½ month pet damage deposit
• One year lease permitted, option to renew lease at end of the term with no increase in rent
• LANDLORD’S SPECIAL! Move in before January 1st and don’t pay for the remainder of December! That’s significant savings.

Included in the rent:

• Electricity
• Heat – Maintained at 21 degrees with lock box to prevent unauthorized tampering. Additional heating available for $20.00 per extra degree of heating per month. You may not use your oven to heat the apartment. If you do, you will be fined $50.00 per occurrence.
• Air conditioning – Maintained at 25 degrees during the summer with lock box to prevent extra cooling from being dispensed. Additional cooling for sale for $20.00 per degree of cooling requested per month.
• 25″ Zenith color television set with basic cable service – INCLUDED IN RENT!
• Wireless internet (with content filter applied to block forbidden/immoral websites) – INCLUDED IN RENT!
• Provision of coin laundry services – You will have your own personal coin laundry washer and dryer machines. Washers and dryers are paid using a token system. Tokens can be purchased through the landlord. Washer tokens cost $4.15 each and dryer tokens cost $3.60 each. You are not allowed to use foreign currency or slugs in the washer and dryer. Violators will be fined $100.00 per infraction.

About us: (Landlords)

We are conservative, bible believing, God-fearing, born again, evangelical Christians. We interpret the bible literally in every way possible. We live a strict moral code and observe God’s laws in our everyday life. My wife stays at home and teaches our home-schooled children. I work as a pastor at a local congregation and am active in the faith community.

About you: (Tenant)

• You are employed
• You do not participate in lascivious deviant sexual behavior
• You do not choose alternative lifestyles as your lifestyle
• You do not have any criminal history
• You must have excellent character references
• You do not smoke, drink or take drugs. Mandatory drug screening required.

Additional Rules/Conditions:

CLEANLINESS: You are responsible for the cleanliness and orderliness of your apartment. Beds are to be made before leaving your suite, countertops must be wiped down, and you must remove all trash. Upon inspection, if the tenant’s basement suite is not clean, the cost of cleaning services plus a fine of $100.00 will be levied.
LIGHTS: The lights in your basement suite and in the day room are not to be tampered with. If a light needs repair, report the condition to the Landlord.
WAKE-UP: Wake up will be at 5:30am each morning. All ceiling lights in the suite will be turned on automatically.
LIGHTS OUT: Ceiling lights in the suite will be turned off at 11:30pm.
CONTRABAND: The following items are considered contraband – alcohol, illegal drugs, tobacco, weapons, lock picking equipment. If any contraband is discovered to be in your possession, you will be subject to a minimum $1,000.00 fine. In addition, your items will be confiscated permanently. Second offense – you will be evicted without notice. A bailiff will escort you and your belongings off the premises. Your security deposit will not be returned.
SMOKING: The basement suite is non-smoking. Anyone in possession of tobacco products of any kind or any lighter or matches, will have their contraband items confiscated and will be fined $100.00.
INSPECTIONS: The Landlord will conduct unannounced inspections to ensure that these rules and regulations are being followed.
VISITATION: Visitation periods will be on Saturdays and Sundays from 1:00 p.m. until 3:00 p.m. All visitors and their vehicles are subject to search while on landlord property. Refusal to allow a search can result in their being barred from all future visitation privileges. All visitors must sign the Visitor’s Log. Unauthorized visitors will be escorted from the property, and the tenant will be fined $250.00.
I.D. BRACELETS: Each tenant will be issued an I.D. bracelet with his/her photograph. It must be worn at all times. If you lose your I.D. bracelet or it is broken, you will be required to purchase a new one at
the nominal cost of $5.00.
EXERCISE YARD: The tenant will have access to the exercise yard in the area to the back of the property for 2 hours per day from 4:00 pm to 6:00 pm. The tenant is not allowed to bring any personal property to the exercise yard. Once the tenant leaves the exercise yard on a particular day, he or she may not return. No boisterous behavior is allowed in the exercise yard. There is no smoking allowed in the exercise yard. Minimum fine for exercise yard infractions is $50.00.

[ YSaCL ]

Cyborg in exchange for free rent!

Cyborg in exchange for free rent!
I am a biotechnology grad student in search of housing. A back guest house would be perfect. In exchange, I will build you a cyborg. In case you do not know, a cyborg is a biologically based animatronic being, in other words half human and half robot. Since current science is still catching up on this technology, it may be a few years until your cyborg is built. It might help if you had a pet dog or cat that I could practice with. For any reason if you die before the cyborg is finished, I promise to use your remains in the project, in order to fulfill my debt to you. Since you will be the first person to own/be a cyborg, this should be considered a very generous offer. Must have dishwasher in guest house. Please, serious replies only.

[ YSaCL ]

Travis Bickle seeks cart pusher

Having a hard time in the grocery store – 36

I have alot of grocery shopping to do and the last time I went there I felt uncomfortable pushing the cart around because women are supposed to push the grocery cart. So being a bachelor I’m trying to stack everything in my arms and it isn’t working very well and I’m dropping things and grunting through the store hauling way too many groceries by hand. It was awful and I had to come back two days later and dop it all over again. (I’m a big fellow who eats alot of food.)

I’m looking for an attractive lady to push my cart in the grocery store while I shop. You must be attractive because people will think you are my wife or girlfriend if you are pushing my grocery cart. And while I do enjoy being a bachelor and dating freely, if you are really good at pushing my cart I’d be glad to keep you around for a while and possibly even sleep with you or take you out for burgers. So please no one older than 25 and no larger women.

As compensation for your time I might buy you a few loaves of bread or something from your grocery list.

Please reply with a pic so I can see if you are good looking enough to play the part of wifey while I shop. Also I’m white so unless maybe you are some kind of Asian it wouldn’t look right for you to be pushing my cart around for me. People would talk if I was with a darker girl. Also I usually date women with a bigger bust so unless you have a really pretty face and a really petite figure you should probably have a decent bust size. And no kids please, I wouldn’t want anyone thinking they were mine. Plus I just don’t date women with kids for obvious reasons.

[ You Suck at Craigslist ]

Personal best

Watched the news lately? – 48

Seeking a lady that is aware of what the future will bring. A survivalist. I would like to find a lady who is under 50 and capable of growing a garden and first aid. A lady that can operate and take care of a horse, tractor, a truck, and an ATV. Must be capable of self-defense! Trapping, reloading and knife sharpening skill is a plus! Looks not too important besides being in good physical shape although big t*ts are a plus. Must currently be self-sufficient! If you have any equipment, send photo and description. We’ll see about the relationship discussion after we get past these requirements. I hope you like the smell of diesel! Smoke or drink, OK. No drugs! Don’t be scared, reply back to me! Criminals, gays and blacks need not apply. Not my flavor

…much, much, more at [You Suck at Craigslist]

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[You Suck at Craigslist]