I’m in heaven « Paco’s Joke for Da Day

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Bobble, first edition

best of craigslist > seattle-tacoma >
Originally Posted: Wed, 16 Jul 14:27 PDT

Autographed copy of the Bible – $1,000,000,000 OBO

Date: 2009-11-16, 2:27PM PDT

I have a near-mint copy of the Bible, signed by the Big J.C. himself. According to Amazon, this is one of the better selling books of all time. I’m guessing the Prince of Peace would be happy to hear that.

This book was entrusted to me by the Knights of Templar, who borrowed it from Our Savior sometime between 28 and 32 AD and forgot to give it back. It was one of those things where they said they’d return it in a week, but then they didn’t get around to reading it right away. And you know how you always feel bad returning a book you haven’t read, especially when the lender asks you what you thought of it.

So in trying to avoid an awkward moment with the Alpha and Omega, they hung onto it until they had more time. Well that time turned into about 2000 years, and it got mixed in with some other books and made it into a yard sale box.

At first, the King of Kings’ signature wasn’t worth much, but after Our Redeemer died on the cross for your sins, apparently the value skyrocketed and then rose more gradually over the next 2000 years as more people learned of the Good Shepherd’s story.

Why am I selling it? I could say that I’m interested in sharing the Word of God with someone else – become a “Fisher of Men” so to speak. But the truth is I just bought an Xbox 360 and don’t have room on the bookshelf for both. I’ll either use the money to fight world hunger, or buy that Rock Band game I’ve been hankering for.

it’s NOT ok to contact this poster with services
or other commercial interests

Add comment November 17, 2009

Dudeists

Add comment October 24, 2009

CL ad du jour

best of craigslist > santa barbara >

Satanic Sexual Ritual
Date: 2009-06-18, 5:13PM PDT

Looking for a woman with evil appetites.

We will have nasty, evil, sweaty, probably illegal sexual encounters in order to bring about the rise of Lucifer. (ie Satan)

Must be willing to do all styles of sexual positions, except Missionary. That is the Lord’s Way, and we will have none of that. Besides, if we do it Missionary, Satan gets angry and a kitten dies. I like kittens.

Must be into anal. For that is Satan’s Alley.

Must like blow jobs (Swallowing Lucifer’s Gravy) and Hand Jobs (Milking the Evil Goat)

Must be into slight S&M (Safe word: Pink Sock)

Must be into erotic and evil costumes and lingerie. Leather Thongs, spikes, boots, black and evil bras that accentuate your bosom, Boba Fett costumes.

Must be willing to deep throat. (So that my satanic appendage will be closer to your black soul)

Must be into strap-ons so that I may feel the “Power of Beezlebub” coursing thru my lower intestines.

The perfect encounter will be this:

Meeting you at one of our local eatery’s. Plying you with ample alcoholic libations. Enjoying a nice piece of animal flesh. Tipping the waiter only 10% instead of 15 to 20% (Because we are EVIL!) Taking you back to my lair. Removing your Gothic Garb, laying you roughly upon my “Sacrifice Altar” (Twin size futon), and promptly begin to nibble on your Satanic Slit. (Please shave before the ritual, as it’s hard to be evil when you got pubes stuck in your fillings).

Whence you are all moist with the Power of The Dark Lord’s Juices, I will remove my cape and trousers and proceed to fill you with the Sceptre of His Infernal Majesty. You will writhe in pleasure so deep, it will call forth the Evil One himself!

After 4 to 7 minutes of the most intense sexual experience of your God Fearing life, we will perform a Satanic Snuggle, until you gently fall asleep in my powerful arms.

If this taps into the Primordial Jelly you have buried deep down in your Dark Soul, then contact me and we will make beautiful, agonizing “love” together. We will combine our desires and perform rituals so evil, it will awaken the Evil Ancient One from His Firey Nap! He will spill forth from the Bowels of Hell like so much premature Satanic Ejaculate!!

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