Yo Momma

Samples from my new latest favorite site, Postcards From Yo Momma:

Subject: A Mother’s Warning

Be careful! PENILE warts are rampant on college campuses.

Just thought you should know.

Love,
Mom

–

Subject: Thank you for introducing me to this world!

Backstory: I came out to my mother almost six years ago, when I was 14. She was hesitant at first, but she has gotten increasingly excited about being the parent of a lesbian ever since.

At [PFLAG's] dinner now. Wonderful scene at a trendy building in Tribeca overlooking the Hudson. I am now hearing speeches from men dressed as Miss America contestants in crowns and evening gowns. Thank you for introducing me to this world!

–

Subject: OMG!!!!!!!!!

I just found out what it means when they call Sarah Palin a MILF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

–

Text Message Panic

mom: hello please text me back if you get this.
me: got it
mom: oh good I thought something was wrong with my text messages. I have sent 3 texts to your brother but no reply. I am worried he’s dead or worse just drunk all the time.
me: I talked to him this morning, he’s not dead at least. I can’t vouch for the rest.
mom: I’m so glad I learned this texting stuff just so I could “supposedly” communicate with him. I’m now paying 30 extra bucks a month for him to ignore me, like always.
me: well at least you’re all hip now with your cool new phone.
mom: whoop de do

–

Subject: You Could Even Pass Out!

You know…food, drink, play…at our house. Did you have something else in mind? You could tell me what you want for food and a birthday dessert and I’d make you bloody marys or whatever. You could pass out and I wouldn’t let anyone take your picture and post it on the internet.

–

Subject: I am in awe of you…until I see your room.

I love you. I miss you. I am exceedingly proud of you. You have more good things going for you than I could ever, in a chemically-induced frame of mind, have imagined for myself at your age! I am serious and sometimes am in awe of you.

And then I see your room after you have lived in it for 24 hours, and I think “Jeez, can’t she get her shit together?”

xoxoxoxoxox

Mama

–

Thoughts on Death

Backstory: I was discussing with my mother how callous my family can be about the death of a loved one.

Mom: That is true. We are ruthless and efficient if nothing else
Me: it’s the German in us
Mom: Yep. Our motto is ” die already. We got better newer versions of you who could use some furniture

–

Subject: Free the little birthday check!

On May 1st a check was born. Alas, like an unbaptized soul in Limbo, it has not reached check heaven. Check heaven is a place of great joy for birthday checks because there it can reach its full potential. No longer folded upon itself, ashamed to show its worth; it is free to pay bills, pay down debt, buy things you need or even to swell the balance of your checking or savings accounts. It could even be earning interest! Don’t let it suffer any longer. Free the little birthday check.

–

Dye Job

mom: Have you seen that show “The Doctors”?
me: yes.
mom: It’s very informative. I really love it.  Did you know your can dye your p*ssy hair??
me: WHAT!? MOM!!!
mom: I KNOW, I was so surprised! But you have to use a special dye.

No sense of humour

Damien Hirst in vicious feud with teenage artist over a box of pencils

Millionaire gets young rival banned from galleries after taking exception to prank played on him

By Arifa Akbar, Arts Correspondent, Friday, 4 September 2009

How much is a box of pencils worth? Fifty pence? £3.99 if the pencils have rubbers on the ends? Well, if they’re part of a Damien Hirst art installation, the value is £500,000. That is what 17-year-old graffiti artist Cartrain discovered when he pilfered some pencils from Hirst’s sculpture Pharmacy. And that wasn’t all – he was arrested, released on bail, and is waiting to find out if he will be formally charged with causing damage to an iconic artwork worth £10m.

When Cartrain walked into Tate Britain and made off with a few HBs in July, he believed it was a harmless game of tit-for-tat as part of an ongoing feud. He originally locked horns with the millionaire artist last year, when he used an image of Hirst’s famous diamond-encrusted skull, For the Love of God, to create collages that were put up for sale on an art website.

Hirst reported him to the Design and Artists Copyright Society and a string of legal letters were sent to Cartrain’s art dealer, Tom Cuthbert, at 100artworks.com, about the teenager’s pieces, also called For the Love of God. The online gallery surrendered them to Hirst with a verbal apology.

Taking revenge, Cartrain took the box of pencils that were part of Hirst’s sculpture, Pharmacy, which was being shown as part of its Classified exhibition that closed at the end of last month.

He then created a “wanted”-style poster that read: “For the safe return of Damien Hirst’s pencils I would like my artworks back that DACS and Hirst took off me in November. It’s not a large demand… Hirst has until the end of this month to resolve this or on 31 July the pencils will be sharpened. He has been warned.”

Yesterday, Cartrain told The Independent: “I went to the Tate Britain and by chance had a golden opportunity to borrow a packet of pencils from the Pharmacy exhibit. That same day I made up a fake police appeal poster advertising that the pencils had been removed from the Tate and that if anyone had any information they should contact the police on the phone number advertised.

“A few weeks later I went out and I returned home to find out the art and antiques squad from New Scotland Yard had called round with a warrant for my arrest.”

He was told by custody officers that the pencils were valued at £500,000 and that he had damaged “the concept of a public artwork titled Pharmacy … valued at £10,000,000″. Cartrain is on bail and, if convicted, his actions will feature among the highest value modern art thefts in Britain. The box of pencils – a very rare “Faber Castell dated 1990 Mongol 482 Series” – will be put back by Hirst, although the installation is no longer on public display.

But that is not the end of it. Police also arrested Cartrain’s 49-year-old father, who they suspected of harbouring the pencils. “Initially, we arrested his dad but it soon became clear that it was his son who was responsible,” said a police source. “We arranged to arrest him by appointment. The act of theft was clearly a stunt to gain publicity.”

A statement from Tate Gallery confirmed: “On Saturday 4 July 2009, a member of the public removed a box of pencils from the desk in Damien Hirst’s installation Pharmacy. The matter is being investigated by the police.”

[The Independent]

Cyborg in exchange for free rent!

Cyborg in exchange for free rent!
I am a biotechnology grad student in search of housing. A back guest house would be perfect. In exchange, I will build you a cyborg. In case you do not know, a cyborg is a biologically based animatronic being, in other words half human and half robot. Since current science is still catching up on this technology, it may be a few years until your cyborg is built. It might help if you had a pet dog or cat that I could practice with. For any reason if you die before the cyborg is finished, I promise to use your remains in the project, in order to fulfill my debt to you. Since you will be the first person to own/be a cyborg, this should be considered a very generous offer. Must have dishwasher in guest house. Please, serious replies only.

[ YSaCL ]

Coming soon

Techno Viking

Healthcare bill contains $87 billion for lawmakers’ reading disorder

“A provision of the comprehensive healthcare reform bill now before Congress includes $87 billion to establish a national research facility to study a condition called Lawmaker Reading Disorder (LRD), according to summaries of the bill prepared by professional lobbyists.

“Experts say symptoms of LRD include a variety of ‘avoidance strategies’ when confronted with a legal or ethical obligation to read legislation before voting on it.”

[Scott's Scrapple Blog]

IMPORTANT NOTICE

IMPORTANT NOTICE

You may have noticed the
increased amount of notices for
you to notice. Some of our notices
have not been noticed. This is
very noticeable. It has been
noticed that the responses to the
notices have been noticeably
unnoticed. This notice is to
remind you to notice the notices
and respond to the notices,
because we do not want the
notices to go unnoticed.

A Primer On Fractional Reserve Banking

Q: What are banks for?
A: To make money.

Q: For the customers?
A: For the banks.

Q: Why doesn’t bank advertising mention this?
A: It would not be in good taste. But it is mentioned by implication in references to reserves of $249,000,000,000 or thereabouts. That is the money they have made.

Q: Out of the customers?
A: I suppose so.

Q: They also mention Assets of $500,000,000,000 or thereabouts. Have they made that too?
A: Not exactly. That is the money they use to make money.

Q: I see. And they keep it in a safe somewhere?
A: Not at all. They lend it to customers.

Q: Then they haven’t got it?
A: No.

Q: Then how is it Assets?
A: They maintain that it would be if they got it back.

Q: But they must have some money in a safe somewhere?
A: Yes, usually $500,000,000,000 or thereabouts. This is called Liabilities.

Q: But if they’ve got it, how can they be liable for it?
A: Because it isn’t theirs.

Q: Then why do they have it?
A: It has been lent to them by customers.

Q: You mean customers lend banks money?
A: In effect. They put money into their accounts, so it is really lent to the banks.

Q: And what do the banks do with it?
A: Lend it to other customers.

Q: But you said that money they lent to other people was Assets?
A: Yes.

Q: Then Assets and Liabilities must be the same thing?
A: You can’t really say that.

Q: But you’ve just said it! If I put $100 into my account the bank is liable to have to pay it back, so it’s Liabilities. But they go and lend it to someone else, and he is liable to have to pay it back, so it’s Assets. It’s the same $100 isn’t it?
A: Yes, but….

Q: Then it cancels out. It means, doesn’t it, that banks haven’t really any money at all?
A: Theoretically……

Q: Never mind theoretically! And if they haven’t any money, where do they get their Reserves of $249,000,000,000 or thereabouts??
A: I told you. That is the money they have made.

Q: How?
A: Well, when they lend your $100 to someone they charge him interest.

Q: How much?
A: It depends on the Bank Rate. Say five and a-half percent. That’s their profit.

Q: Why isn’t it my profit? Isn’t it my money?
A: It’s the theory of banking practice that………

Q: When I lend them my $100 why don’t I charge them interest?
A: You do.

Q: You don’t say. How much?
A: It depends on the Bank Rate. Say a half percent.

Q: Grasping of me, rather?
A: But that’s only if you’re not going to draw the money out again.

Q: But of course I’m going to draw the money out again! If I hadn’t wanted to draw it out again I could have buried it in the garden!
A: They wouldn’t like you to draw it out again.

Q: Why not? If I keep it there you say it’s a Liability. Wouldn’t they be glad if I reduced their Liabilities by removing it?
A: No. Because if you remove it they can’t lend it to anyone else.

Q: But if I wanted to remove it they’d have to let me?
A: Certainly.

Q: But suppose they’ve already lent it to another customer?
A: Then they’ll let you have some other customers money.

Q: But suppose he wants his too….and they’ve already let me have it?
A: You’re being purposely obtuse.

Q: I think I’m being acute. What if everyone wanted their money all at once?
A: It’s the theory of banking practice that they never would.

Q: So what banks bank on, is not having to meet their commitments?
A: I wouldn’t say that.

Q: Naturally. Well, if there’s nothing else you think you can tell me….?
A: Quite so. Now you can go off and open a banking account!

Q: Just one last question.
A: Of course.

Q: Wouldn’t I do better to go off and open up a bank?

-First published in the British humour magazine “Punch” on April 3, 1957

Once upon a time lived a beautiful Queen with large breasts.

Once upon a time lived a beautiful Queen with large breasts.

Nick the Dragon Slayer obsessed over the Queen for this reason. He knew that the penalty for his desire would be death should he try to touch them, but he had to try. One day Nick revealed his secret desire to his colleague, Horatio the Physician, the King’s chief doctor. Horatio thought about this and said that he could arrange for Nick to more than satisfy his desire, but it would cost him 1000 gold coins to arrange it. Without pause Nick readily agreed to the scheme.

The next day, Horatio made a batch of itching powder and poured a little bit into the Queen’s bra while she bathed. Soon after she dressed the itching commenced and grew intense. Upon being summoned to the Royal Chambers to address this incident, Horatio informed the King and Queen that only a special saliva, if applied for four hours, would cure this type of itch, and that tests had shown that the saliva of Nick would work for the antidote to cure the itch.

The King, eager to help his Queen, quickly summoned Nick to their chambers. Horatio then slipped Nick the antidote for the itching powder, which he put into his mouth, and for the next four hours, Nick worked passionately on the Queen’s large and magnificent breasts.

The Queen’s itching was eventually relieved, and Nick left satisfied and hailed as a hero.

Upon returning to his chamber, Nick found Horatio demanding his payment of 1,000 gold coins. With his obsession now satisfied, Nick couldn’t have cared less and, knowing that Horatio could never report this matter to the King, and with a laugh told him to get lost.

The next day, Horatio slipped a massive dose of the itching powder into the King’s underwear. The King immediately summoned Nick.

The moral of the story : You should always pay your bills.

On Recycling, and wearing adult diapers