3 Coyote ugly moments

Oopsy.

Parrot on the Titanic

The Titanic, on her maiden voyage, just set sail from the shores of  England. It was the most magnificent ship ever built, and everybody is  very excited. No expense had been spared – vast dining rooms, several casinos, hundreds of neatly groomed waiters and polite service staff,  string quartets, no luxury had been overlooked.

Every night at the barroom lounge, a magician performed the most wonderfully amazing tricks of conjury the world had ever seen. It’s the first night of the voyage, and everyone is eager to see this great man at work, except there was one slight problem. A parrot sst on the bar top by the peanuts, and would speak out during the magician’s act, spoiling each trick the magician performed them. The parrot would sit quietly until the trick was almost completed, and the parrot would then shout out “Squark! It’s up his sleeve!” or “Sqeeek! He’s hidden it in the hat!” etc. The parrot was detroying the magician’s act.

Eeach and every performance the parrot would do this, and the magician just got mad and frustrated as the night wore on.

This happened again on the next night, and the one after that. The magician would shake with fury at this silly parrot ruining his world famous show. He spent his days devising even better and more stupendously amazing tricks in an effort to fool this bloody parrot.

One night, the magician is about to perform his greatest trick of the voyage. The lights are dimmed, a hushed silence sweeps across the bar floor, a drum roll builds up to a mighty crescendo as the magician performs his final piece de resistance….and suddenly the ship hits an iceberg and sinks…

For three days, the magician manages to cling to a door floating around in the wreckage, starving, thirsty. On the third day, he notices at the other end of the flotsam the parrot, sitting calmly and quietly, staring back at him. For three more days the magician just glowers at him, not saying a word – bitter, hushed, resentful, silence.

…Until one day, the parrot can’t contain himself any longer and squarks, “Alright! I give up! What have you done with the ship?!”

Nice cans

One August, a man buys a retirement home. It is located near a junior high school. He spends the first few weeks of retirement in joyous peace and quiet. However, when a new school year begins, three young boys beat on every trash can they encounter every day on their way home from school. He becomes accustomed to hearing their percussive delights each and every school day.

Finally, the man decides to take action and walks out to meet the boys.
He says, “Hey, you kids are a lot of fun. I’ll give you each a dollar if you’ll promise to come around every day and do your thing.” The kids continue to do a bang-up job on the trashcans.

After a few days, the man tells the kids, “This recession’s really putting a big dent in my income. From now on, I’ll only be able to pay you 50 cents to beat on the cans.” The noisemakers are displeased, but they accept his offer.

A few days later, the retiree approaches them again. “Look,” he says, “I
haven’t received my Social Security check yet, so I’m not going to be able to pay more than 25 cents. Will that be OK?”

“A freakin’ quarter?” the drum leader exclaims. “If you think we’re going to waste our time beating these cans around for a quarter, you’re nuts!

“We quit.”

Looney tunes

Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital.

One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Ralph out.

When the Head Nurse became aware of Edna’s heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.

When she went to tell Edna the news she said, “Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you’re being discharged; since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of another patient, I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness. The bad news is, Ralph, the patient you saved, hung himself with his bathrobe belt in the bathroom. I am so sorry, but he’s dead.”

Edna replied “He didn’t hang himself. I put him there to dry. How soon can I go home?”

I dunno, you try to help some people…

A guy is walking along the beach, when he meets a girl with no legs, crying. “Why are you crying?” he asks.

“I’ve never been hugged,” she says. The guy hugs her, but she continues crying.

“Why are you crying?” he asks.

“I’ve never been kissed,” she says. The guy kisses her, but she continues crying.

“Why are you crying?” he asks.

“I’ve never been screwed,” she says. The guy picks her up and throws her into the water.

“There,” he says. “Now you’re screwed.”

–
If a man speaks in a forest and there is no woman around to hear him is  he still wrong?

Bad news, good news

The doctor said, ‘Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles.’

Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He had no choice but to go under the knife.

When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life.

He saw a men’s clothing store and thought, ‘That’s what I need… a new suit.’

He entered the shop and told the salesman, ‘I’d like a new suit.’

The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, ‘Let’s see… size 44 long.’

Joe laughed, ‘That’s right, how did you know?’

‘Been in the business 60 years!’ the tailor said.

Joe tried on the suit, it fit perfectly. As Joe admired himself in the  mirror, the salesman asked, ‘How about a new shirt?’

Joe thought for a moment and then said, ‘Sure.’

The salesman eyed Joe and said, ‘Let’s see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck.’

Joe was surprised, ‘That’s right, how did you know?

‘Been in the business 60 years.’

Joe tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly.

Joe walked comfortably around the shop, and the salesman asked, ‘How about some new underwear?’

Joe thought for a moment and said, ‘Sure.’

The salesman said, ‘Let’s see… size 36.’

Joe laughed, ‘Ah ha! I got you. I’ve worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old.’

The salesman shook his head, ‘You can’t wear a size 34. A size 34 would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache.’

Dear Abby

Dear Abby,

I’ve never written to you before, but I really need your advice on what could be a crucial decision. I’ve suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. The usual signs… phone rings but if I answer, the caller hangs up. My wife has been going out with the girls a lot recently although when I ask their names she always says “Just some friends from work, you don’t know them.” I always stay awake to look out for her taxi coming home, but she always walks down the drive. Although I can hear a car driving off, as if she has gotten out of the car around the corner. Why? Maybe she wasn’t in a taxi? I once picked her cell phone up just to see what time it was and she went berserk and screamed that I should never touch her phone again and why was I checking up on her. Anyway, I have never approached the subject with my wife.

I think deep down I just didn’t want to know the truth, but last night she went out again and I decided to check on her. I decided I was going to park my motorcycle next to the garage and hide behind it so I could get a good view of the whole street when she came home. It was at that moment, crouching behind my harley, that I noticed that the valve covers on my engine seemed to be leaking a little oil.

Is this something I can fix myself or should I take it back to the dealer?

Thanks,
Dave