Guide to whoring

Maybe from Pasadena, Maybe not

An little old lady gets pulled over for speeding…

Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?
Officer: Ma’am, you were speeding.
Older Woman: Oh, I see.

Officer: Can I see your license please?
Older Woman: I’d give it to you but I don’t have one.

Officer: Don’t have one?
Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.
Officer: I see…Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.
Older Woman: I can’t do that.
Officer: Why not?
Older Woman: I stole this car.
Officer: Stole it?
Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.
Officer: You what?

Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see.

A Fish Out of Water

Two builders (Dave and Stuart) are seated either side of a table in a rough pub when a well-dressed man enters, orders a beer and sits on a stool at the bar. The two builders start to speculate about the occupation of the suit…

Dave: I reckon he’s an accountant.
Stuart: No way – he’s a stockbroker.
Dave: He ain’t no stockbroker! A stockbroker wouldn’t come in here!

The argument repeats itself for some time until the volume of beer gets the better of Dave and he makes for the toilet. On entering the toilet he sees that the suit is standing at a urinal. Curiosity and the several beers get the better of the builder.

I thought of Danny Bonaduce when I heard this joke

A guy is walking along the strip in Las Vegas and a knockout looking Vegas hooker catches his eye. He strikes up a conversation and eventually asks the Hooker, “How much do you charge?”

Hooker replies, “It starts at $500 for a hand-job.”

Guy says, “$500 dollars! For a hand-job! Holy crap. No hand-job is worth that kind of money!”

The hooker says, “Do you see that Denny’s on the corner?”

“Yes.”

“Do you see the Denny’s about a block further down?”

“Yes.”

“And beyond that, do you see that third Denny’s?”

“Yes.”

“Well,” says the hooker, smiling invitingly, “I own those. And, I own
them because I give a hand-job that’s worth $500.”

Guy says, “What the hell? You only live once. I’ll give it a try.”

They retire to a nearby motel. A short time later, the guy is sitting
on the bed realizing that He just experienced the hand-job of a
lifetime, worth every bit of $500. He is so amazed, he says, “I
suppose a blow- job is $1,000?”

The hooker replies, “$1,500.”

“I wouldn’t pay that for a blow-job!”

The hooker replies, “Step over here to the window, big boy. Do you
see that casino just across the Street? I own that casino outright.
And I own it because I give a blow-job that’s worth every cent of $1,500.”

The guy, basking in the afterglow of that terrific Hand-job, decides
to put off the new car for another Year or so, and says, “Sign me
up.” Ten minutes later, he is sitting on the bed more amazed than
before. He can scarcely believe it but He feels he truly got his
money’s worth. He decides to dip into the retirement savings for one
glorious and unforgettable experience.

He asks the hooker, “How much for some pussy?”

The hooker says, “Come over here to the window, I want to show you
something. Do you see how the whole city of Las Vegas is laid out be
fore us, all those beautiful lights, gambling palaces, and show places?”

“Damn!” the guy says, in awe, “You own the whole city?”

“No,” the hooker replies, “but I would if I had a pussy.”

Vaya con Dios

A gringo was hitchhiking his way through Mexico, and stopped in
Chihuahua City to spend the night. He found himself a cheap pension
on the edge of town and negotiated a room for a good price. The
landlady is showing him to his room but when they reach the top of
stairs, she plasters herself against the blank wall across from a door that is padlocked from the outside and motions for her paying guest to do the same. From inside the room an eerie voice cants, “Ocho. Ocho. Ocho. Ocho….”

When they have eased past the door and reach his room a couple of
doors away, the gringo looks puzzled and asks, “What was that all
about?”

The landlady looks sternly at him and shakes a finger. “Senor, you
must promise me you will stay as far away from that door as possible!
Promise?”

The gringo promises, she leaves and he unpacks his meager belongings,
then decides it is time to find himself some dinner. So he heads down
the hall, and as he nears the door, “Ocho. Ocho. Ocho…” reminds
him to stay away. He plasters himself to the far wall and eases his
way to the stairs and goes for dinner wondering what “Ocho” could
possibly mean. When he returns, he repeats the wallpaper impression
and goes to his room.

During the night, he wakens and has to go to the bathroom, but he has
to pass the locked door. Again, he paints himself against the facing
wall and eases past the locked door in both directions as the “Ocho.
Ocho. Ocho…” chant carries on into the night. Once back in bed he
falls asleep, again wondering what “Ocho” means.

The next morning he is packed and dressed and ready to leave. As he
heads down the hall, his curiosity finally gets the better of him. As
he nears the locked door, the now-familiar “Ocho. Ocho. Ocho…“
comes singsong from beyond the door. “I’m gonna have look,” he thinks
to himself.

So he quietly tiptoes up to the door, kneels down and peers through
the keyhole. Suddenly a knitting needle comes flying out of the
keyhole and puts out his eye!

And from beyond the door, the singsong voice chants, “Nueve. Nueve.
Nueve….“

R U a Mouse Potato?

NEW WORDS: Essential additions to the workplace vocabulary.

BLAMESTORMING: Sitting around in a group, discussing why a deadline
was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.

SEAGULL MANAGER: A manager, who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps
on everything, and then leaves.

ASSMOSIS: The process by which some people seem to absorb success and
advancement by kissing up to the boss rather than working hard.

SALMON DAY: The experience of spending an entire day swimming
upstream only to get screwed and die in the end.

CUBE FARM: An office filled with cubicles

PRAIRIE DOGGING: When someone yells or drops something loudly in a
Cube farm, and people’s heads pop up over the walls to see what’s going on.

MOUSE POTATO: The on-line, wired generation’s answer to the couch potato.

SITCOMS: (Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage). What
yuppies turn into when they have children and one of them stops
working to stay home with the kids.

STRESS PUPPY: A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and whiny.

SWIPEOUT: An ATM or credit card that has been rendered useless
because the magnetic strip is worn away from extensive use.

XEROX SUBSIDY: Euphemism for swiping free photocopies from one’s workplace.

IRRITAINMENT: Entertainment and media spectacles that are annoying
but you find yourself unable to stop watching them. The J-Lo and Ben
wedding (or not) was a prime example.

PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE: The fine art of whacking the crap out of an
electronic device to get it to work again.

ADMINISPHERE: The rarefied organizational layers beginning just above
the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the adminisphere are
often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they
were designed to solve.

404: Someone who’s clueless. From the World Wide Web error message
“404 Not Found,” meaning that the requested document could not be located.

GENERICA: Features of the American landscape that are exactly the
same no matter where one is, such as fast food joints, strip malls,
and subdivisions.

OHNOSECOND: That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that
you’ve just made a BIG mistake.

WOOFS: Well-Off Older Folks.

CROP DUSTING: Surreptitiously farting while passing through a Cube Farm.