Oldy but goody « Paco’s Joke for Da Day

Posts filed under 'Oldy but goody'

Deep Thoughts

by Jack Handey:

If you ever crawl inside an old hollow log and go to sleep, and while you’re in there some guys come and seal up both ends and then put it on a truck and take it to another city, boy, I don’t know what to tell you.

For mad scientists who keep brains in jars, here’s a tip: why not add a slice of lemon to each jar, for freshness?

I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate. And I can picture us attacking that world, because they’d never expect it.

If you’re a young Mafia gangster out on your first date, I bet it’s real embarrassing if someone tries to kill you.

Maybe in order to understand mankind, we have to look at the word itself: “Mankind.” Basically, it’s made up of two separate words, mank and ind. What do these words mean? It’s a mystery, and that’s why so is mankind.

Add comment December 23, 2009

Dad’s turn

So a guy has to move back in with his parents. The rent is free, but so is the fatherly advice. Updates frequently (link at bottom); unapologetically profane (you gotsta love that). A small sampling:

“Remember this: you’re just a lucky fucking guy. If people start telling you your dick looks bigger, remember that it’s not.”

“Son, no one gives a shit about all the things your cell phone does. You didn’t invent it, you just bought it. Anybody can do that.”

“I hate paying bills… Son, don’t say “me too.” I didn’t say that looking to relate to you. I said it instead of “go away.”

“You sure do like to tailgate people… Right, because it’s real important you show up to the nothing you have to do on time.”

“I like the dog. If he can’t eat it, or fuck it, he pisses on it. I can get behind that.”

“That woman was sexy…Out of your league? Son. Let women figure out why they won’t screw you, don’t do it for them.”

“I wanted to see Detroit win. I’ve been there. It’s like God took a shit on a parking lot. They deserve some good news.”

“Son, people will always try and fuck you. Don’t waste your life planning for a fucking, just be alert when your pants are down.”

“You’re being fucking dramatic. You own a TV and an air mattress. That’s not exactly what I’d call “a lot to lose.”

“It’s not the gardener’s job to pick up the dog shit. If you don’t want to pick up the dog shit, then learn a skill like gardening.”

(more…)

Add comment November 12, 2009

Yo Momma

Samples from my new latest favorite site, Postcards From Yo Momma:

Subject: A Mother’s Warning

Be careful! PENILE warts are rampant on college campuses.

Just thought you should know.

Love,
Mom

–

Subject: Thank you for introducing me to this world!

Backstory: I came out to my mother almost six years ago, when I was 14. She was hesitant at first, but she has gotten increasingly excited about being the parent of a lesbian ever since.

At [PFLAG's] dinner now. Wonderful scene at a trendy building in Tribeca overlooking the Hudson. I am now hearing speeches from men dressed as Miss America contestants in crowns and evening gowns. Thank you for introducing me to this world!

–

Subject: OMG!!!!!!!!!

I just found out what it means when they call Sarah Palin a MILF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

–

Text Message Panic

mom: hello please text me back if you get this.
me: got it
mom: oh good I thought something was wrong with my text messages. I have sent 3 texts to your brother but no reply. I am worried he’s dead or worse just drunk all the time.
me: I talked to him this morning, he’s not dead at least. I can’t vouch for the rest.
mom: I’m so glad I learned this texting stuff just so I could “supposedly” communicate with him. I’m now paying 30 extra bucks a month for him to ignore me, like always.
me: well at least you’re all hip now with your cool new phone.
mom: whoop de do

–

Subject: You Could Even Pass Out!

You know…food, drink, play…at our house. Did you have something else in mind? You could tell me what you want for food and a birthday dessert and I’d make you bloody marys or whatever. You could pass out and I wouldn’t let anyone take your picture and post it on the internet.

–

Subject: I am in awe of you…until I see your room.

I love you. I miss you. I am exceedingly proud of you. You have more good things going for you than I could ever, in a chemically-induced frame of mind, have imagined for myself at your age! I am serious and sometimes am in awe of you.

And then I see your room after you have lived in it for 24 hours, and I think “Jeez, can’t she get her shit together?”

xoxoxoxoxox

Mama

–

Thoughts on Death

Backstory: I was discussing with my mother how callous my family can be about the death of a loved one.

Mom: That is true. We are ruthless and efficient if nothing else
Me: it’s the German in us
Mom: Yep. Our motto is ” die already. We got better newer versions of you who could use some furniture

–

Subject: Free the little birthday check!

On May 1st a check was born. Alas, like an unbaptized soul in Limbo, it has not reached check heaven. Check heaven is a place of great joy for birthday checks because there it can reach its full potential. No longer folded upon itself, ashamed to show its worth; it is free to pay bills, pay down debt, buy things you need or even to swell the balance of your checking or savings accounts. It could even be earning interest! Don’t let it suffer any longer. Free the little birthday check.

–

Dye Job

mom: Have you seen that show “The Doctors”?
me: yes.
mom: It’s very informative. I really love it. Did you know your can dye your p*ssy hair??
me: WHAT!? MOM!!!
mom: I KNOW, I was so surprised! But you have to use a special dye.

(more…)

1 comment November 5, 2009

Jeff Foxworthy has something to say about Canadians:

If your local Dairy Queen is closed from
September through May,
You may live in Canada.
If someone in a Home Depot store
Offers you assistance and they don’t work there,
You may live in Canada.
If you’ve worn shorts and a parka at the same time,
You may live in Canada.
If you’ve had a lengthy telephone conversation
With someone who dialed a wrong number,
You may live in Canada.
If ‘Vacation’ means going anywhere
South of Detroit for the weekend,
You may live in Canada.
If you measure distance in hours,
You may live in Canada.
If you know several people
Who have hit a deer more than once,
You may live in Canada.
If you have switched from ‘heat’ to ‘A/C’
In the same day and back again,
You may live in Canada.
If you can drive 90 km/hr through 2 feet of snow
During a raging blizzard without flinching,
You may live in Canada.
If you install security lights on your house and garage,
But leave both unlocked,
You may live in Canada.
If you carry jumper cables in your car
And your wife knows how to use them,
You may live in Canada.
If you design your kid’s Halloween costume
To fit over a snowsuit,
You may live in Canada.
If the speed limit on the highway is 80 km –
You’re going 95 and everybody is passing you,
You may live in Canada.
If driving is better in the winter
Because the potholes are filled with snow,
You may live in Canada.
If you know all 4 seasons:
Almost winter, winter, still winter,
and road construction,
You may live in Canada.