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Dear Mr. Fraud, I am sorry
Date: 2009-01-10, 11:48AM EST

Dear Mr. Fraud,

I owe you a few apologies:

• I am sorry for responding and saying sure I am happy to engage in a bizarre business deal with you knowing full well it isn’t real.

• I am sorry you wasted time to print a horrible fake check.

• I am sorry you spent $4.90 UPS’ing it to me overnight.

• I am sorry for taking a few days to get back to you after I got the check and ask you for your phone number which you can’t give me. I knew that and still I emailed you for the phone number.

• I am sorry that I lied to you and said I could not find a western union office near me, making you look them up, emailing me a list and me telling you those two liquor stores are shut down.

• I am sorry that I lied to you about getting pissed at the western union office because they wanted $1.75 to cut a check and that I said that’s robbery and left in a huff. The truth is I never went there in the first place. Sorry for wasting your time that day.

• I’m sorry I lied the next day after you threaten to call the FBI and local police on me because I cashed your check and would not pay you. I knew you would not, but I wrote you an email begging you not to call the police and that I would pay you tomorrow after I cashed the check.

• I’m sorry that I lied the next day and said the western union office girl was rude to me so I left in anger, again delaying your money by another day.

• Im sorry I lied about sending the money to western union in your name vs the shipper so you could not pick it up. I realize this cost you a day or so.

• I am really sorry that I lied and said that the money order was at your western union, but off by 1 zip code making you drive 30 minutes to find out I am a liar.

• Your last email to me was justified. Obviously from your language you were pissed. The fact that you yelled and your grasp of the English language seemed to fade away like my Mom’s when she is livid showed me what a bad person I am.

• Your phone call from Africa was upsetting because as you were trying to explain to me how to go down to western union and pay the $1.75 and you would pick up the fee, I realized how frustrated you were getting. I also lied about being hard of hearing and asking you to yell. Sorry.

All in all, I am sorry for sucking up your bandwidth. I realize that my actions probably sucked up 6-10 hours of your time and kept you from fleecing some gullible person in America. Please forgive me.

Go ahead and send me another forged check and I will send you my cash to your shipper.

Please try me again. Even though I lied you to about 15 times I won’t do it again.

Your friendly computer person,
MHF

• it’s NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YEJ6HBHjt1g

From Cute Overload.

Samples from my new latest favorite site, Postcards From Yo Momma:

Subject: A Mother’s Warning

Be careful! PENILE warts are rampant on college campuses.

Just thought you should know.

Love,
Mom

–

Subject: Thank you for introducing me to this world!

Backstory: I came out to my mother almost six years ago, when I was 14. She was hesitant at first, but she has gotten increasingly excited about being the parent of a lesbian ever since.

At [PFLAG's] dinner now. Wonderful scene at a trendy building in Tribeca overlooking the Hudson. I am now hearing speeches from men dressed as Miss America contestants in crowns and evening gowns. Thank you for introducing me to this world!

–

Subject: OMG!!!!!!!!!

I just found out what it means when they call Sarah Palin a MILF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

–

Text Message Panic

mom: hello please text me back if you get this.
me: got it
mom: oh good I thought something was wrong with my text messages. I have sent 3 texts to your brother but no reply. I am worried he’s dead or worse just drunk all the time.
me: I talked to him this morning, he’s not dead at least. I can’t vouch for the rest.
mom: I’m so glad I learned this texting stuff just so I could “supposedly” communicate with him. I’m now paying 30 extra bucks a month for him to ignore me, like always.
me: well at least you’re all hip now with your cool new phone.
mom: whoop de do

–

Subject: You Could Even Pass Out!

You know…food, drink, play…at our house. Did you have something else in mind? You could tell me what you want for food and a birthday dessert and I’d make you bloody marys or whatever. You could pass out and I wouldn’t let anyone take your picture and post it on the internet.

–

Subject: I am in awe of you…until I see your room.

I love you. I miss you. I am exceedingly proud of you. You have more good things going for you than I could ever, in a chemically-induced frame of mind, have imagined for myself at your age! I am serious and sometimes am in awe of you.

And then I see your room after you have lived in it for 24 hours, and I think “Jeez, can’t she get her shit together?”

xoxoxoxoxox

Mama

–

Thoughts on Death

Backstory: I was discussing with my mother how callous my family can be about the death of a loved one.

Mom: That is true. We are ruthless and efficient if nothing else
Me: it’s the German in us
Mom: Yep. Our motto is ” die already. We got better newer versions of you who could use some furniture

–

Subject: Free the little birthday check!

On May 1st a check was born. Alas, like an unbaptized soul in Limbo, it has not reached check heaven. Check heaven is a place of great joy for birthday checks because there it can reach its full potential. No longer folded upon itself, ashamed to show its worth; it is free to pay bills, pay down debt, buy things you need or even to swell the balance of your checking or savings accounts. It could even be earning interest! Don’t let it suffer any longer. Free the little birthday check.

–

Dye Job

mom: Have you seen that show “The Doctors”?
me: yes.
mom: It’s very informative. I really love it.  Did you know your can dye your p*ssy hair??
me: WHAT!? MOM!!!
mom: I KNOW, I was so surprised! But you have to use a special dye.

–

Subject: You Want Me to be Blogger Mother of the Year?

So it’s not enough that I gave birth to you, raised you as a single parent, organized countless birthday parties, play dates, and sports activities (remember the diving team?), made brownies and science projects, paid for braces and contact lenses, took you trick or treating in the rain, was the Tooth Fairy, Santa Clause, the Easter Bunny and Dr. Phil, cooked for you, cleaned up your vomit, decorated your bedroom, took you to the emergency room, paid for 4 years of a private college, watched you die your hair a million different colors, pretended not to mind when you showed up for my 50th birthday with a shaved head, bought you your first car, consoled you throughout your countless relationships, moved you about 12 times (including security deposits-which I never got back!), paid rent when your psycho roommates bounced, bought you outfits for proms, graduations, and interviews, wrote your college essays and resumes…

and now you want me to be blogger mother of the year??????

–

Subject: Burpin’ Bubbles

Mom: You will NEVER believe what your father did last night!!!
Me: Oh Lord, did he fall off the ladder again?!?!
Mom: Hehe! No. He got drunk.
Me: Ok..?
Mom: He got so drunk, he ate a bar of soap.
Me: GROSS!!!
Mom: Yeah, no kidding. It was Irish Spring.
Me: Well is he ok?
Mom: Oh he’s just dandy. The only side effect is that he keeps burping and tasting it. Unfortunately, he’s not burping any bubbles, which is what I really want to see.
Me: Why?
Mom: I think it’d be cool to be married to a walking, talking bubble machine.
Me: You seriously need to redefine your definition of cool woman.
Mom: So do you want me to videotape it for you if it does happen?
Me: duh!

–

Subject: No Congratulations Necessary

If you get that Congratulations thingy at the bottom of the screen saying you have won a gift certificate -
DON’T BELIEVE IT! It’s a trick. Believe me. love Granny

–

Subject: You Had Fangs

While perusing your baby registry, I noticed that you have breast crème on your list, and I may be wrong, but I vaguely recall that Nursing Mothers Association recommended against crème, and suggested instead sunbathing topless to toughen your nipples…cream may keep them too soft-that book I sent you is really helpful, even though it is put out by a bunch of breastfeeding zealots, in my opinion. Anyhow, check it out-I may be misremembering-and maybe cream is good if your nipples crack-which mine never did except for the time you bit me-and you had fangs-I did try to sunbathe topless when we lived on that sixty-acre farm, and a small plane kept flying over-at first I thought it was a coincidence, then, when it kept coming back lower and lower, I realized the pilot could probably see me, so I flipped him the bird, and he came back again and waved his wings at me…I was pissed-even in the country on a sixty-acre farm there’s no privacy!!

–

The Truth Behind Dad’s Itinerary

Backstory: I’m in Spain for a semester abroad and Dad is coming for a visit.

Mom: Daddy flew home last night and spent the night in CT, then left this afternoon for the airport. He is excited about your weekend together. Heard that he rented a car. If my memory is correct, the roads in Spain between Madrid and Grenada can be steep and twisty so if anyone tends to get carsick they should sit in the front. He has your stuff (I hope) but I don’t see it anywhere around the house so that’s a good sign! Love, the Mama
Me: I was a bit curious why his itinerary showed him flying out of JFK. So he just came home for a day?
Mom: Quite frankly, your father came home for a booty call.

–

Mom’s Anti-LOLCat Platform

I don’t like the stuff with kitties using bad English and spelling- I imagine they speak with a perfect British accent. and are particular with their spelling and punctuation!!! But the pics are funny!

–

Thoughts on Kiwi

I don’t like them. They look like testicles, and therefore I can’t think of anything else when I try to eat them.

The Obama PGA Czar has announced there is a possibility of MAJOR rule changes to the game of golf, this may occur sometime after March 1, 2010.

This is only a preview as the complete rule book is being rewritten now.

Here are just a few of the basic changes soon to be put into effect:

Golfers with handicaps:
- below 10 will have their green fees increased by 35%.
- between 11 and 18 will see no increase in green fees.
- above 18 will get a check each time they play.

The dollar amount placed in bets will be as follows:
-for handicaps below 10, an additional $10.
-between 11 and 18, no additional amount.
-above 18, you will receive the total amount in the pot even if you do not play.

The term “gimme” will be changed to “entitlement” and will be used as follows:
-handicaps below 10, no entitlements.
-handicaps from 11 to 17, entitlements for putter length putts.
-handicaps above 18, if your ball is on green, no need to putt, just pick it up.

These entitlements are intended to bring about fairness and, most importantly, equality in scoring.

In addition, a Player will be limited to a maximum of one birdie or six pars in any given round. Any excess must be given to those fellow players who have not yet scored a birdie or par. Only after all players have received a birdie or par from the player actually making the birdie or par, can that player begin to count his pars and birdies again.

The current USGA handicap system will be used for the above purposes but the term ‘net score’ will be available only for scoring those players with handicaps of 18 and above.

This is intended to ‘redistribute’ the success of winning by making sure that in every competition, the above 18 handicap players will post only ‘net score’ against every other player’s gross score.

These new Rules are intended to CHANGE the game of golf.

Golf must be about Fairness.

It should have nothing to do with Ability