Archive for September, 2006

Little girl lost

A little girl gets lost in a Super Wal-Mart. A security guard finds her and asks, “What’s your mommy like?”

The child replies, “Big cocks and vodka, mister.”

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September 30, 2006 at 9:07 pm Leave a comment

How I met my latex girlfriend

A man goes into a sex shop to buy an inflatable doll.

“Would you like male or female?” asks the assistant.

“Female, please.”

“Would you like Black, or White?”

“Black, please”

“Would you like a Christian or Muslim?”

This question confused the man. “What has religion got to do with it? he asks.

“Well,” explained the assistant,

“The Muslim one blows itself up…”

September 29, 2006 at 2:09 am Leave a comment

Last time I was golfing I heard this one…

Three Texas surgeons were playing golf together and discussing surgeries they had performed. One of them said, “I’m the best surgeon in Texas. A concert pianist lost 7 fingers in an accident. I reattached them, and 8 months later he perfomed a private concert for the Queen of England.” One of the others said, “That’s nothing. A young man lost both arms and legs in an accident. I reattached them, and 2 years later he won a gold medal in field events at the olympics.”

The third surgeon said, “You guys are amateurs. Several years ago, a cowboy, who was high on cocaine and alcohol, rode a horse head-on into a train traveling 80 miles an hour. All I had left to work with was the horse’s ass and a cowboy hat. Now, he’s president of the United States.”

September 28, 2006 at 5:59 am Leave a comment

Got a joke to go with this great picture

Donald Rumsfeld is briefing the President, "Yesterday, three Brazilian soldiers were killed. "OH NO!" cries the President, "...but how many is a brazillion?"

Special thanks to these assholes.

September 27, 2006 at 4:43 am Leave a comment

Frigging commies

These two Middle Eastern types come to America. They get separated from each other, and about a year later they get together to see who had become more Americanized.

The first guy says, “I’m picking my son up from baseball practice, and then we’re going out to McDonald’s. And then I’m going home to watch some NFL football. How about you?”

The second guy says, “Fuck you, towelhead!”

September 26, 2006 at 1:30 am Leave a comment

Breathing through the extremities

Gotta loooooooooooove the canned 80’s aerobic workout music.

September 26, 2006 at 1:17 am Leave a comment

I thought of Danny Bonaduce when I heard this joke

A guy is walking along the strip in Las Vegas and a knockout looking Vegas hooker catches his eye. He strikes up a conversation and eventually asks the Hooker, “How much do you charge?”

Hooker replies, “It starts at $500 for a hand-job.”

Guy says, “$500 dollars! For a hand-job! Holy crap. No hand-job is worth that kind of money!”

The hooker says, “Do you see that Denny’s on the corner?”

“Yes.”

“Do you see the Denny’s about a block further down?”

“Yes.”

“And beyond that, do you see that third Denny’s?”

“Yes.”

“Well,” says the hooker, smiling invitingly, “I own those. And, I own
them because I give a hand-job that’s worth $500.”

Guy says, “What the hell? You only live once. I’ll give it a try.”

They retire to a nearby motel. A short time later, the guy is sitting
on the bed realizing that He just experienced the hand-job of a
lifetime, worth every bit of $500. He is so amazed, he says, “I
suppose a blow- job is $1,000?”

The hooker replies, “$1,500.”

“I wouldn’t pay that for a blow-job!”

The hooker replies, “Step over here to the window, big boy. Do you
see that casino just across the Street? I own that casino outright.
And I own it because I give a blow-job that’s worth every cent of $1,500.”

The guy, basking in the afterglow of that terrific Hand-job, decides
to put off the new car for another Year or so, and says, “Sign me
up.” Ten minutes later, he is sitting on the bed more amazed than
before. He can scarcely believe it but He feels he truly got his
money’s worth. He decides to dip into the retirement savings for one
glorious and unforgettable experience.

He asks the hooker, “How much for some pussy?”

The hooker says, “Come over here to the window, I want to show you
something. Do you see how the whole city of Las Vegas is laid out be
fore us, all those beautiful lights, gambling palaces, and show places?”

“Damn!” the guy says, in awe, “You own the whole city?”

“No,” the hooker replies, “but I would if I had a pussy.”

September 22, 2006 at 9:16 pm Leave a comment

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