Archive for June, 2009

A twofer

A Priest and a Rabbi are at a wedding. All of a sudden they spot a little boy bending over to tie up his shoelace.

“I’d like to screw that” says the Priest.

“Out of what?” replies the Rabbi.

Daffy Duck, out for the weekend and staying in a motel, calls reception and asks for a condom. The reception says, “Shall I put them on your bill?”

Daffy replies….. “Don’t be thucking thtupid I’d thufficate.”

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June 29, 2009 at 5:39 am Leave a comment

Big Electric Cat

June 29, 2009 at 5:34 am Leave a comment

A collection of apparently genuine Country song titles:

-At the Gas station of life, I got the self-service pump
-Did I shave my legs for this?
-Get the hammer, Mama, there’s a head on Papa’s fly
-Get your tongue out of my mouth, ‘cos I’m saying goodbye
-You’re the reason our kids are so ugly
My wife ran off with my best friend, and I sure do miss him
-Redneck Martians stole my baby
-We used to kiss on the lips, but it’s all over now
-When You Wrapped My Lunch in a Road Map, I Knew You Meant Good-Bye
-I hate every bone in your body except mine
-I wouldn’t take her to a dogfight, cos I’m afraid she might win
-Her teeth were stained, but her heart was pure
-How can I miss you if you won’t go away?
-I don’t know whether to kill myself or go bowling
-Get your biscuits in the oven, and your buns in the bed
-I’d rather pass a kidney stone than spend another night with you
-If you can’t live without me, why aren’t you dead?
-If the phone don’t ring baby, you’ll know its me
-I gave her the ring, and she gave me the finger
-Welcome to Dumpsville, population: me
-You broke my heart so I busted your jaw

June 28, 2009 at 5:26 am Leave a comment

Blonde goes into a job interview

A blonde goes for a job interview in an office. “So, Miss,” the interviewer asks, “Can you tell us your age, please?”

The airhead counts carefully on her fingers for half a minute before replying, “Um… 22.”

The interviewer tries another straightforward one to break the ice. “And can you tell us your height, please?”

The young lady stands up and produces a measuring tape from her handbag. She then traps one end under her foot and extends the tape to the top of her head, checks the measurement, and announces, “FiveĀ  foot two.”

This isn’t looking good, so the interviewer goes for the real basics, something she won’t have to count, measure, or look up. “Just to confirm our records, what is your name, please?”

The airhead bobs her head from side to side for about fifteen seconds, mouthing something to herself, before replying, “Jenny.”

The interviewer is completely baffled, so he asks, “What did you do when I asked you your name?”

“Oh, that!” replies the airhead, “I was just running through that song, you know: ‘Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you, happy birthday dear…'”

June 27, 2009 at 5:58 pm Leave a comment

Put ’em up

June 27, 2009 at 9:40 am 1 comment

Cat Wheel

June 26, 2009 at 9:55 pm Leave a comment

The Amish experience

An Amish woman and her daughter were riding in an old buggy one cold blustery day.

The daughter said to her mother, ‘My hands are freezing cold.’

The mother replied, ‘Put them between your legs. Your body heat will warm them up.’

The daughter did, and her hands warmed up.

The next day, the daughter was riding with her boyfriend who said ‘My hands are freezing cold.’

The girl replied, ‘Put them between my legs. The warmth of my body will warm them up.’

He did and warmed his hands.

The following day, the boyfriend was again in the buggy with the daughter.

He said, ‘My nose is cold.’

The girl replied, ‘Put it between my legs. The warmth of my body will warm it up’.

He did and warmed his nose.

The next day the boyfriend was again driving with the daughter, and he said, ‘My penis is frozen solid.’

The following day the daughter was driving in the buggy with her mother again, and she says to her Mother, ‘Have you ever heard of a penis?’

Slightly concerned the mother said,’ Why, yes…?! Why do you ask?’

The daughter replies: ‘They make one hell of a mess when they defrost, don’t they?!

June 25, 2009 at 5:56 am Leave a comment

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