Rules for Manliness

January 4, 2010 at 1:33 am Leave a comment

1. Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella. Ever.

2. It is OK for a man to cry ONLY under the following circumstances:

  • When a heroic dog dies to save its master
  • The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse
  • After wrecking your boss’ car
  • One hour, 12 minutes, 37 seconds into The Crying Game
  • When she is using her teeth

3. Any man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed and eaten by his buddies.

4. Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.

5. If you’ve known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever, unless you actually marry her.

6. Moaning about the brand of free beer in a buddy’s fridge is forbidden. But you may complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.

7. No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man. In fact, even remembering your buddy’s birthday is strictly optional. At that point, you must celebrate at a strip bar of the birthday boy’s choice.

8. On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest.

9. When stumbling upon other guys watching a sporting event, you may ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who’s playing.

10. You may flatulate in front of a woman only after you have brought her to climax. If you give her a Dutch Oven (trapping her head under the covers for the purpose of flatulent entertainment), she’s officially your girlfriend and can actually be branded as such.

11. It is permissible to drink a fruity alcohol drink only when you’re sunning on a tropical beach… and it’s delivered by a topless model and it’s free.

12. Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you allowed to kick another guy in the nuts.

13. Unless you’re in prison, never fight naked.

14. Friends don’t let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Period.

15. If a man’s fly is down, that’s his problem, you didn’t see anything. And you shouldn’t have even been looking there in the first place.

16. Women who claim they “love to watch sports” must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game with particulars. this can include:

  • Being able to recognize a play
  • Recognizing a foul in the course of play and calling it before the ref does
  • Knowing a player’s stats going back at least five years; knowledge of player’s college career means she’s a keeper
  • Being able to drink as much as the other sports watchers

17. A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight.

18. Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both; that’s just greedy.

19. If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you’d better be talking about his choice of beer.

20. Never join your girlfriend or wife in discussing a friend of yours, except if she’s withholding sex pending your response.

21. Phrases that may NOT be uttered to another man while lifting weights:

  • Yeah, Baby, Push it!
  • C’mon, give me one more! Harder!
  • Another set and we can hit the showers!
  • Looking great, babe
  • Feel the burn. Yeah, that’s it. Oooh yeah!

22. Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing: i.e., both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need. (And if you do talk to a guy at the urinal next to you, keep your eyes forward at all times. Don’t even think about looking his way.)

23. Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longer than you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone. If the situation warrants, lie about some plausible thing you have to do then hang up if immediately.

24. The morning after you and a girl who was formerly “just a friend” have carnal, drunken monkey sex, the fact that you’re feeling weird and guilty is no reason for you not to nail each other one more time before having the discussion about what a big mistake it was.

25. It is acceptable for you to drive her car. It is never, EVER acceptable for her to drive yours.

26. Thou shalt not buy a car in the colors of brown, pink, lime green, orange or sky blue.

27. The girl who replies to the question “What do you want for Christmas?” with “If you loved me, you’d know what I want!” gets an X-box and all the power tools I’ve always wanted. End of story.

28. There is no reason for guys to watch ice skating or men’s gymnastics. Ever.

29. We’ve all heard about people having guts or balls. But do you really know the difference?

Guts: arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being assaulted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to say, “Are you still cleaning or are you flying somewhere?”

Balls: coming home late after a night out with the guys, reeking of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, then slapping your wife on the ass and having the balls to say, “You’re next!”

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Entry filed under: War all the time.

A metamucil moment? Starbucks Survivor

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