Archive for March, 2010

Fun with the Puns

1. King Ozymandias of Assyria was running low on cash after years of war with the Hittites. His last great possession was the Star of the Euphrates, the most valuable diamond in the ancient world. Desperate, he went to Croesus, the pawnbroker, to ask for a loan. Croesus said, “I’ll give you 100,000 dinars for it”.

“But I paid a million dinars for it,” the King protested. “Don’t you know who I am? I am the king!”

Croesus replied, “When you wish to pawn a Star, makes no difference who you are.”

2. Evidence has been found that William Tell and his family were avid bowlers. Unfortunately, all the Swiss league records were destroyed in a fire… and so we’ll never know for whom the Tells bowled.

3. A man rushed into a busy doctor’s office and shouted, “Doctor! I think I’m shrinking!” The doctor calmly responded, “Now, settle down. You’ll just have to be a little patient.”

4. A marine biologist developed a race of genetically engineered dolphins that could live forever if they were fed a steady diet of seagulls. One day, his supply of the birds ran out so he had to go out and trap some more.

On the way back, gulls in hand, he spied two lions asleep on the road. Afraid to wake them, he gingerly stepped over them. Immediately, he was arrested and charged with… transporting gulls across sedate lions for immortal porpoises.

5. Back in the 1800’s the Tate’s Watch Company of Massachusetts wanted to produce other products, and since they already made the cases for watches, they used them to produce compasses.

The new compasses were so bad that people often ended up in Canada or Mexico rather than California. This, of course, is the origin of the expression, … “He who has a Tate’s is lost!”

6. A thief broke into the local police station and stole all the toilets and urinals, leaving no clues. A spokesperson was quoted as saying, “We have absolutely nothing to go on.”

7. An Indian chief was feeling very sick, so he summoned the medicine man. After a brief examination, the medicine man took out a long, thin strip of elk rawhide and gave it to the chief, telling him to bite off, chew, and swallow one inch of the leather every day.

After a month, the medicine man returned to see how the chief was feeling. The chief shrugged and said, “The thong is ended, but the malady lingers on.”

8. A famous Viking explorer returned home from a voyage and found his name missing from the town register. His wife insisted on complaining to the local civic official who apologized profusely saying, “I must have taken Leif off my census.”

9. There were three Indian squaws. One slept on a deer skin, one slept on an elk skin, and the third slept on a hippopotamus skin. All three became pregnant. The first two each had a baby boy. The one who slept on the hippopotamus skin had twin boys.

This just goes to prove that … the squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws of the other two hides.

10. A skeptical anthropologist was cataloguing South American folk remedies with the assistance of a tribal Brujo who indicated that the leaves of a particular fern were a sure cure for any case of constipation.

When the anthropologist expressed his doubts, the Brujo looked him in the eye and said, “Let me tell you, with fronds like these, you don’t need enemas.”

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March 31, 2010 at 5:30 pm Leave a comment

Building a bridge

A biker was riding his Harley along Pacific Coast Highway in California when suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, the clouds parted and God appeared! In a booming voice, God said, “because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish.”

The biker pulled over, thought about it, and said, “‘Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want.”

God replied, “Your request is a materialistic one; think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking; the supports required reaching the bottom of the Pacific and the concrete and steel it would take! I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that could possibly help mankind.”

The biker thought about it for a long time. Finally, he said, “My Lord, I wish that I, and all men, could understand women. I want to know how she feels inside, what she’s thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing is wrong, why she snaps and complains when I try to help. Give insight into how I and other men can make women truly happy.”

God in his infinite wisdom replied: “You want two lanes or four on that bridge?”

March 30, 2010 at 5:59 pm Leave a comment

Enforced Retirement

The US Navy had too many officers and was ordered to downsize, at first on a volunteer basis. It was decided they might meet the mandated cut by offering an early retirement bonus. They promised any officer who volunteered for retirement a bonus of $1,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any two points in his body. The officer got to choose what those two points would be.

The first officer who accepted asked that he be measured from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. He was measured at six feet and walked out with a bonus of $72,000…

The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be measured from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. He walked Out with $96,000.

The third one was a non-commissioned officer, a grizzled old Chief Petty Officer who, when asked where he would like to be measured replied, “From the tip of my penis to the back of my balls.”

It was suggested by the pension officer that Chief might want to reconsider, explaining about the nice big checks the previous two officers had received. But old Chief insisted, and they decided to go along with him providing the measure was taken by the medical officer.

The medical officer arrived and instructed Chief to “drop ’em,” which he did.

The medical officer placed the tape measure on the tip of the Chief’s penis and began to work back. “Uh, Chief, WTF?”‘ he suddenly exclaimed, “Where are your testicles?”

Old Chief calmly replied, “The Persian Gulf.”

March 30, 2010 at 5:07 pm Leave a comment

Phil? Phil! Is that you?

PUNXSUTAWNEY, Pa. (AP)

State police have charged a central Pennsylvania man with public drunkenness after he was seen giving mouth-to-mouth “resuscitation” to a long-dead opossum along a highway.

Trooper Jamie Levier says several witnesses saw 55-year-old Donald Wolfe, of Brookville, near the animal along Route 36 in Oliver Township Thursday about 3 p.m. The trooper says one person saw Wolfe kneeling before the animal and gesturing as though he were conducting a seance, while another saw the mouth-to-mouth attempt.

Levier says Wolfe was “extremely intoxicated” and “did have his mouth in the area of the animal’s mouth, I guess.”

[ CBSsss ]

Sorry, wrong species. As you were.

March 28, 2010 at 8:45 pm Leave a comment

What’s-a-matta Tussi-Frussi A-come-and-a-go

March 28, 2010 at 8:18 pm Leave a comment

Cheese from the 60’s

March 27, 2010 at 6:55 am Leave a comment

A blast from the racktastic 80’s

March 26, 2010 at 9:53 pm Leave a comment

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