The Congresscritter

April 22, 2010 at 6:27 am Leave a comment

While crossing the street one day a Member of Congress is tragically hit by a bus and dies.

His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.

“Welcome to heaven, sir” says St. Peter.

“Before you settle in, there would seem to be a slight problem. We seldom ever see an elected official around these parts, so we’re not sure if you really belong here.”

“Well you could just let me in,” says the man.

“Well, as much as I’d like to, I have just received orders from higher up. What we’ll do is have you spend one day in hell and one day in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity.”

“Well that’s great, but if it’s all the same with you I’ve already made up my mind. I really want to be in heaven,” says the Congressman.

“I’m sorry, but you’ll have to abide by the ruling.”

And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down into hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a beautiful green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his formerly departed friends and other politicians who he had known.

Everyone is very happy, partying heartily with a great banquet of sumptuous food and expensive drink. They all bellow out a greeting in unison and he runs over to greet them, shake hands and pat backs, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the suckers electorate.

They play a friendly and boisterous game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and champagne, while in the company of beautiful women.

Also present is the devil himself, who turns out to be the most friendly & charismatic man (in a hell full of them), who has a great time regaling his denizens with ribald stories and only the funniest of jokes. They are having such a good time that before he realizes it, it is time for him to leave.

Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves goodbye while the elevator rises… up, up, up until the door eventually opens on a blue and peaceful heaven where St. Peter is again waiting for him.

“Now it’s time for your day in heaven.”

So, 24 hours pass with the Representative joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They seem to be having a good time but the politician is unbelievably bored. Finally, after what seems like an eternity, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.

“Well, then, you have spent one day in hell and another in heaven. We must now ask you to choose your eternity.”

The Representative reflects for a less than a minute, then he answers: “Well,  heaven has been… delightful… but to be honest I think I would fit in better down in hell.”

So St. Peter without pause escorts the politician  to the elevator and he goes down, down, down once more into the depths of hell.

The doors of the elevator open and he finds himself in the middle of a barren desert, land covered with mountainous barrels of hazardous waste oozing sludge, steaming piles of festering bubbling sizzling chemicals, and the most rotten smells which he can taste it in his mouth. It is all he can do to refrain from vomiting.

After awhile forlornly gazing upon this unexpected landscape he sees his friends. They are dressed in rags, and picking through the waste and putting it into buckets as still more waste oozes from beneath the ground.

Suddenly the politician feels a cold arm around his shoulder. It is the devil himself, grinning at the politician from ear to ear.

“I… I… I don’t understand!” stammers the Congressman. “Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and a clubhouse, we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, played golf, and had a great old time. Now there’s just this toxic wasteland and everyone looks utterly miserable. What changed?”

The devil looks at him, smiles and says, “Yesterday we were campaigning… Today you voted.”


Entry filed under: I'm in heaven.

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