Twofer Tuesday

March 1, 2011 at 8:19 am Leave a comment

Martin and his wife were watching a program about psychology on TV, when he turned to her and said, “Darling, I bet you can’t tell me something that will make me happy and sad at the same time.”

“That’s easy,” said she. “You have the biggest penis of all your friends.”

An elderly man lay dying in his bed. While suffering the agonies of impending death, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite cookies wafting up the stairs.

He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed. Leaning on the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort, gripping the railing with both hands, he managed to crawl downstairs.

With labored breath, he leaned against the door frame, gazing into the kitchen. Were it not for death’s agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven, for there, spread out upon the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favorite cookies.

Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of love from his devoted wife of some sixty years, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?

Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself towards the table, landing on his knees in rumpled posture.

His aged and withered hand trembled towards a cookie poised at the very edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked by his wife with a wooden spoon.

“Fuck off,” she said. “They’re for the funeral.”

Something recently reminded me of the joke about the French undertaker zipping Di and Dodi’s bodies into body bags, while singing “Zippidie Do-di, zippidie Di.”

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Entry filed under: War all the time.

The true story What is a Viking to do?

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