Archive for September, 2011

Will Franken: Tourettes Without Regrets

Today’s WTF Podcast Marc Maron interviews comedian/character generator Will Franken


September 30, 2011 at 6:32 pm Leave a comment


I tried masturbating with my other hand because I’d heard it felt like someone else’s hand, only it didn’t; it felt like someone else’s cock.
“Do the best that you can with the tools that you have. If they’re not able to do the job, consider lowering your expectations.” -Bob Ducca
My friend died doing what he loved best … Heroin.
My love is honestly without fault. She’s sexy – I could watch her for hours, and frequently do. She’s practical – she can do things many women can’t. Change locks, for example. She’s rich – she can afford a new phone every few weeks, it’s difficult to keep track of her number to be honest. She’s adventurous – she walks a different way to work and home every evening. She’s independent – she pretends that she doesn’t need me around all the time. She’s funny – she got the police to tell me to keep away as a joke. She’s perfect in every way.
“A bow tie announces to the world you can no longer get an erection.” – David Sedaris


September 29, 2011 at 6:06 pm Leave a comment

Brooke Explains Why She Has No Problem with Drunk Texting

September 28, 2011 at 7:31 am Leave a comment

More Deep Thoughts with Jack Handy

Can’t the Marx Brothers be arrested and maybe even tortured for all the confusion and problems they’ve caused?


If they ever come up with a swashbuckling school, I think one of the courses should be Laughing, Then Jumping Off Something.


To me, it’s always a good idea to always carry two sacks of something when you walk around. That way, if anybody says, “Hey, can you give me a hand?,” you can say, “Sorry, got these sacks.”


I guess we were all guilty, in a way. We all shot him, we all skinned him, and we all got a complimentary bumper sticker that said, “I helped skin Bob.”


It’s funny that pirates were always going around searching for treasure, and they never realized that the real treasure was the fond memories they were creating.



September 27, 2011 at 6:22 pm Leave a comment

Kitteh Wars

September 26, 2011 at 8:49 pm Leave a comment

Everything you need to know about Michelle Bachmann in 12 seconds

September 25, 2011 at 10:14 pm Leave a comment

Deep Thoughts of Jack Handy

Maybe in order to understand mankind, we have to look at the word itself: “Mankind.” Basically, it’s made up of two separate words, mank and ind. What do these words mean? It’s a mystery, and that’s why so is mankind.

If you’re a young Mafia gangster out on your first date, I bet it’s real embarrassing if someone tries to kill you.

I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate. And I can picture us attacking that world, because they’d never expect it.

For mad scientists who keep brains in jars, here’s a tip: why not add a slice of lemon to each jar, for freshness?

If you ever crawl inside an old hollow log and go to sleep, and while you’re in there some guys come and seal up both ends and then put it on a truck and take it to another city, boy, I don’t know what to tell you.

Children need encouragement. If a kid gets an answer right, tell him it was a lucky guess. That way he develops a good, lucky feeling.

September 25, 2011 at 6:29 pm Leave a comment

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