Archive for September, 2011
Will Franken: Tourettes Without Regrets
Today’s WTF Podcast Marc Maron interviews comedian/character generator Will Franken
Shorties
I tried masturbating with my other hand because I’d heard it felt like someone else’s hand, only it didn’t; it felt like someone else’s cock.
·
“Do the best that you can with the tools that you have. If they’re not able to do the job, consider lowering your expectations.” -Bob Ducca
·
My friend died doing what he loved best … Heroin.
·
My love is honestly without fault. She’s sexy – I could watch her for hours, and frequently do. She’s practical – she can do things many women can’t. Change locks, for example. She’s rich – she can afford a new phone every few weeks, it’s difficult to keep track of her number to be honest. She’s adventurous – she walks a different way to work and home every evening. She’s independent – she pretends that she doesn’t need me around all the time. She’s funny – she got the police to tell me to keep away as a joke. She’s perfect in every way.
·
“A bow tie announces to the world you can no longer get an erection.” – David Sedaris
·
More Deep Thoughts with Jack Handy
Can’t the Marx Brothers be arrested and maybe even tortured for all the confusion and problems they’ve caused?
·
If they ever come up with a swashbuckling school, I think one of the courses should be Laughing, Then Jumping Off Something.
·
To me, it’s always a good idea to always carry two sacks of something when you walk around. That way, if anybody says, “Hey, can you give me a hand?,” you can say, “Sorry, got these sacks.”
·
I guess we were all guilty, in a way. We all shot him, we all skinned him, and we all got a complimentary bumper sticker that said, “I helped skin Bob.”
·
It’s funny that pirates were always going around searching for treasure, and they never realized that the real treasure was the fond memories they were creating.
·
Deep Thoughts of Jack Handy
Maybe in order to understand mankind, we have to look at the word itself: “Mankind.” Basically, it’s made up of two separate words, mank and ind. What do these words mean? It’s a mystery, and that’s why so is mankind.
—
If you’re a young Mafia gangster out on your first date, I bet it’s real embarrassing if someone tries to kill you.
—
I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate. And I can picture us attacking that world, because they’d never expect it.
—
For mad scientists who keep brains in jars, here’s a tip: why not add a slice of lemon to each jar, for freshness?
—
If you ever crawl inside an old hollow log and go to sleep, and while you’re in there some guys come and seal up both ends and then put it on a truck and take it to another city, boy, I don’t know what to tell you.
—
Children need encouragement. If a kid gets an answer right, tell him it was a lucky guess. That way he develops a good, lucky feeling.
