Archive for September, 2012

Mentos + coke + condom

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September 22, 2012 at 1:07 am Leave a comment

Adrenalin

September 14, 2012 at 12:53 am Leave a comment

Mellw yellow

A man goes to the doctors feeling a little ill.

The doctor checks him over and says, ‘Sorry, I have some bad news, you have Yellow 24, a really nasty virus.

It’s called Yellow 24 because it turns your blood yellow and you usually
only have 24 hours to live.

There’s no known cure so just go home and enjoy your final precious
moments on earth.’

So he trudges home to his wife and breaks the news.

Distraught, she asks him to go to the bingo with her that evening as he’s never been there with her before.

They arrive at the bingo and with his first card he gets four corners and wins $35.

Then, with the same card, he gets a line and wins $320.

Then he gets the full house and wins $1000.

Then the National Game comes up and he wins that too getting $380,000.

The bingo caller gets him up on stage and says, “Son, I’ve been here 20 years and I’ve never seen anyone win four corners, a line, the full house and the national game on the same card. You must be the luckiest man on Earth!”

“Lucky?” he screamed. “Lucky? I’ll have you know I’ve got Yellow 24.”

“Bloody ‘ell,” says the bingo caller. “You’ve won the raffle as well!!”

September 14, 2012 at 12:41 am Leave a comment

Nanny state

A little old lady went to the grocery store to buy cat food. She  picked up four cans and took them to the check out counter.

The girl at the cash register said, “I’m sorry, but we cannot sell you cat food without proof that you have a cat. A lot of old people buy cat food to eat, and the management wants proof that you are
buying the cat food for your cat.”

The little old lady went home, picked up her cat and brought it back to the store. They sold her the cat food. The next day, she tried to buy two cans of dog food. Again the cashier said “I’m sorry, but we cannot sell you dog food without proof that you have a dog. A lot of old people buy dog food to eat, but the management wants proof that you are buying the dog food for your dog.” So she went home and brought in her dog.

She then was able to buy the dog food.

The next day she brought in a box with a hole in the lid. The little old lady asked the cashier to stick her finger in the hole. The cashier said, “No, you might have a snake in there.”

The little old lady assured her that there was nothing in the box that would harm her. So the cashier put her finger into the box and quickly pulled it out. She said to the little old lady, “That smells like s**t.”

The little old lady said, “It is. I want to buy three rolls of toilet paper, please.”

September 14, 2012 at 12:39 am Leave a comment

Hair of the dog

My wife found out that our dog (a Schnauzer) could hardly hear, so she   took it to the veterinarian.

The vet found that the problem was hair in the dog’s ears. He cleaned both ears, and the dog could then hear fine.

The vet then proceeded to tell Andrea that, if she wanted to keep this from recurring, she should go to the store and get some “Nair” hair  remover and rub it in the dog’s ears once a month. Andrea went to the store and bought some “Nair” hair remover.

At the register, the pharmacist told her, “If you’re going to use this under your arms, don’t use deodorant for a few days.”

Andrea said, “I’m not using it under my arms.”

The pharmacist said, “If you’re using it on your legs, don’t use body lotion for a couple of days.”

Andrea replied, “I’m not using it on my legs either. If you must know, I’m using it on my Schnauzer.”

The pharmacist says, “Well, stay off your bicycle for about a week.”

September 14, 2012 at 12:37 am Leave a comment

Peter Schiff talks to the delusional

September 10, 2012 at 5:53 pm Leave a comment

Sex House Ep. 9

September 10, 2012 at 5:37 pm Leave a comment

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