Posts filed under ‘Craigslist’

sour grapes or tellin’ lit like it is?

Best of craigslist > seattle >
Date: 2010-02-26, 11:35AM PST

Dear University Alumni Office,

I’m sorry to hear that the university’s $750 million endowment has fallen in value to $500 million because of the recession and because your bank died. I’m also sorry to hear that you’re dealing with declining enrollment due to the fact that middle-class families are no longer willing or able to bet their homes on a $45,000-a-year higher education for their children. I really am.

So, what I want to know is, why are you wasting money on glossy fundraising brochures full of meaningless synonyms for the word “Excellence”? And, why are you sending them to ME?

Yes, I know that I got a master’s degree at your fine institution, but that master’s degree hasn’t done jack shit for me since I got it! I have been unemployed for the past TWO YEARS and I am now a professional resume-submitter, sending out dozens of resumes a month to employers, and the degree I received in your hallowed halls is at the TOP OF IT and it doesn’t do a fucking thing.

You know, maybe if you wanted a little bit of money from me (and these days you’d get about $3) maybe you should send me a fancy color brochure admitting your role in the bubble economics that got us all in to this mess.

For example, since 1987, higher education expenses have gone up 450 percent, while personal income in this country has gone up 87 percent, making tuition IMPOSSIBLE to afford without special financing. But, during this time, you were thriving because people could come up with the cash in two ways:

1. Get a home equity loan and use the inflated value of their house to pay for their kid to get drunk and/or raped at your school and then lose the house when the market crashed.

2. Get a federal loan.


Oh yes, federal loans. I’ve got $40,000 of those, which are in “forebearance” right now because I’m unemployed, meaning that the feds are paying the interest for a while, which is convenient for me, but not for our government which is now owned by China.

You know, the idea behind federal loans was that it would allow more students to attend your university, not let you INFLATE your tuition to obscene levels! I mean, what the fuck were you spending the $16,000 per semester on, anyway?

I was in a public policy program, so that meant we got to sit in classrooms and listen to Professor God up at the front of the lecture hall glorify Himself and Creation as He saw it and talk about how much smarter he was than anyone else and how much he’d learned at MIT and the RAND Corporation.

Really, that’s about all you did for us — gave us a lecture hall, gave us an arrogant bastard to listen to, and gave us a room full of computers we could use sometimes, and you gave us a degree that employers look at and say “This guy knows how to write reports. Amusing.” And I will be paying for this privilege until I am 51 years old.

So I’m sorry that the economy’s been rough on you. Maybe, if you wanted to save a little money, you could stop printing and sending brochures to my parents’ house (oh yeah, that’s where I live because I can’t afford rent on ANYTHING).

And, maybe I’ll donate a little bit of money to you in 2030, when I get the loans for your imaginary education PAID OFF!

Sincerely yours,

“Investments in education are a black hole. Raising the standards for education would be a better goal.”


May 4, 2010 at 5:42 am Leave a comment

Best of CL: Reactions to small dick!

best of craigslist > chicago > Reactions to small dick!

I have a very small penis. I’m not ashamed to admit it. I’ve come to terms with it and now I’ve even found someone who will date me in spite of it. Nevertheless, the moment when I expose myself has always provided a bit of consternation and some interesting moments.

From some blonde who was chewing gum at the time…”So, I mean, is this it???

Yikes, Andrea said you were small but…wow!

Holding it between her index finger and thumb, “Why don’t you just use your hand.

I had just gone home with a girl who provided some 420 fun, “Wow…I hope you know how to eat this cooch!

From a girl who gave me oral, “Well at least there’s no chance I’ll gag!

From a sweet girl with a complete look of shock, “Well, it makes your balls look really big.

Oh, cute. It’s like a little button!

Do you think it’ll ever get any bigger?

Do you mind if I just rub it for a while?” And after I came, “Wow, I never thought something so small would make such a mess!

From the drunk girls…

You’ve got to be kidding me! Can I take a picture of that!?!?

Giggling…”I’ve seen small cocks before but goddamn”

Sorry, but this is just fucking pointless!

As soon as I lowered my pants, “You poor thing!

After sex and cuddling, “I should hook you up with my friend Stacy. She was saying that small dicks don’t bother her.

Mean drunk girl, “I seriously think this is the size of a paper clip. I mean one of those bigger ones.” She actually got a paper clip out of her purse and compared.

On breaking up..

Good luck ever finding someone who wants that pindick.

I’m telling every single one of my friends that you have a three inch cock. Keep fucking whining and I won’t even exaggerate that much!

I lied. It is by FAR the smallest fucking cock I’ve ever seen.

When I found out she was cheating and demanded the truth, “Oh my God, you sniveling little fuck. Because his cock is long and fat and I can actually feel it slide into me.

January 14, 2010 at 5:25 am Leave a comment

Capt. Jack Sparrow, Burglar-at-large

Guy must have been really jonesing for a donut. Can you blame him really?

January 9, 2010 at 5:02 am Leave a comment

CL Ad du jour: Free Attack Kitten

Date: 2009-09-02, 7:10PM CDT

Ferocious attack kitten is available for adoption to any home willing to accept him.

This destructive kitty has been trained as a proud warrior and will fiercely defend your house, even against you.

Well-trained since 10-weeks of age to attack anything in his presence, he will protect your family from evil things, including the following:

  • insects
  • other trained attack kittens
  • babies
  • toilet paper
  • anything under a blanket
  • unwanted house guests
  • paper bags
  • floor rugs
  • Chuck Norris
  • feet

Great with children (assuming you don’t like the children). Probably best used for professional catfighting.

He is housebroken, but only because he wants to be.

This attack cat has trained himself to seek out his food anywhere you hide it and rip the bag open to feed himself, great for those who travel extensively. Also trained to drink water out of toilet bowls and dishwater from items in the sink.

Knows how to open some doors. He will find you wherever you hide.

Neutered (trust me, you won’t want to him to procreate). Has not been declawed, but you’ll figure that out really fast.

Understands and responds to a variety of vulgar and profane verbal commands. Has a very soft and furry belly, like a teddy bear – however he will bite your face if you try to touch it.

Willing to accept trades. Potential adopters must have experience with trained attack-kittens; please be prepared to show scars.

For the love of God, someone please take this thing out of my house.

  • Location: north austin
  • it’s NOT cool to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

December 19, 2009 at 6:37 am Leave a comment


reading craigslist > personals > missed connections

At Wegmans. Your nose was bleeding. – m4w – 37 (Reading)
Reply to:
Date: 2009-11-04, 11:35PM EDT

You are a stunning blond, about 4’2″ with a large forehead and receding hairline.

You wore a white baseball cap that said “Thug Life” on it in plastic diamonds, a BINGO 4 LIFE t-shirt and black pleather pants.

Your nose was bleeding and there was the cutest little bit of coke dusted on your upper lip.

You yelled “You ain’t got no pancake mix!” to the girl at the checkout, threw some candy bars at her and stormed out.

You looked like an angel.

Please…if you by some miracle of God read this message…please contact me. I’ve got all the pancake mix you need.

Location: Reading

November 25, 2009 at 5:14 am Leave a comment

Bobble, first edition

best of craigslist > seattle-tacoma >
Originally Posted: Wed, 16 Jul 14:27 PDT

Autographed copy of the Bible – $1,000,000,000 OBO

Date: 2009-11-16, 2:27PM PDT

I have a near-mint copy of the Bible, signed by the Big J.C. himself. According to Amazon, this is one of the better selling books of all time. I’m guessing the Prince of Peace would be happy to hear that.

This book was entrusted to me by the Knights of Templar, who borrowed it from Our Savior sometime between 28 and 32 AD and forgot to give it back. It was one of those things where they said they’d return it in a week, but then they didn’t get around to reading it right away. And you know how you always feel bad returning a book you haven’t read, especially when the lender asks you what you thought of it.

So in trying to avoid an awkward moment with the Alpha and Omega, they hung onto it until they had more time. Well that time turned into about 2000 years, and it got mixed in with some other books and made it into a yard sale box.

At first, the King of Kings’ signature wasn’t worth much, but after Our Redeemer died on the cross for your sins, apparently the value skyrocketed and then rose more gradually over the next 2000 years as more people learned of the Good Shepherd’s story.

Why am I selling it? I could say that I’m interested in sharing the Word of God with someone else – become a “Fisher of Men” so to speak. But the truth is I just bought an Xbox 360 and don’t have room on the bookshelf for both. I’ll either use the money to fight world hunger, or buy that Rock Band game I’ve been hankering for.

it’s NOT ok to contact this poster with services
or other commercial interests

November 17, 2009 at 9:33 am Leave a comment

Best of CL: sorry Mr. Fraud, I fucked up

best of craigslist > washington, DC >

Dear Mr. Fraud, I am sorry
Date: 2009-01-10, 11:48AM EST

Dear Mr. Fraud,

I owe you a few apologies:

• I am sorry for responding and saying sure I am happy to engage in a bizarre business deal with you knowing full well it isn’t real.

I am sorry you wasted time to print a horrible fake check.

• I am sorry you spent $4.90 UPS’ing it to me overnight.

• I am sorry for taking a few days to get back to you after I got the check and ask you for your phone number which you can’t give me. I knew that and still I emailed you for the phone number.

• I am sorry that I lied to you and said I could not find a western union office near me, making you look them up, emailing me a list and me telling you those two liquor stores are shut down.

• I am sorry that I lied to you about getting pissed at the western union office because they wanted $1.75 to cut a check and that I said that’s robbery and left in a huff. The truth is I never went there in the first place. Sorry for wasting your time that day.

• I’m sorry I lied the next day after you threaten to call the FBI and local police on me because I cashed your check and would not pay you. I knew you would not, but I wrote you an email begging you not to call the police and that I would pay you tomorrow after I cashed the check.

• I’m sorry that I lied the next day and said the western union office girl was rude to me so I left in anger, again delaying your money by another day.

• Im sorry I lied about sending the money to western union in your name vs the shipper so you could not pick it up. I realize this cost you a day or so.

• I am really sorry that I lied and said that the money order was at your western union, but off by 1 zip code making you drive 30 minutes to find out I am a liar.

• Your last email to me was justified. Obviously from your language you were pissed. The fact that you yelled and your grasp of the English language seemed to fade away like my Mom’s when she is livid showed me what a bad person I am.

• Your phone call from Africa was upsetting because as you were trying to explain to me how to go down to western union and pay the $1.75 and you would pick up the fee, I realized how frustrated you were getting. I also lied about being hard of hearing and asking you to yell. Sorry.

All in all, I am sorry for sucking up your bandwidth. I realize that my actions probably sucked up 6-10 hours of your time and kept you from fleecing some gullible person in America. Please forgive me.

Go ahead and send me another forged check and I will send you my cash to your shipper.

Please try me again. Even though I lied you to about 15 times I won’t do it again.

Your friendly computer person,

  • it’s NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

November 8, 2009 at 3:35 pm Leave a comment

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