Posts filed under ‘Genderic’
Dad’s turn
So a guy has to move back in with his parents. The rent is free, but so is the fatherly advice. Updates frequently (link at bottom); unapologetically profane (you gotsta love that). A small sampling:
“Remember this: you’re just a lucky fucking guy. If people start telling you your dick looks bigger, remember that it’s not.”
“Son, no one gives a shit about all the things your cell phone does. You didn’t invent it, you just bought it. Anybody can do that.”
“I hate paying bills… Son, don’t say “me too.” I didn’t say that looking to relate to you. I said it instead of “go away.”
“I hate paying bills… Son, don’t say “me too.” I didn’t say that looking to relate to you. I said it instead of “go away.”
“You sure do like to tailgate people… Right, because it’s real important you show up to the nothing you have to do on time.”
“I like the dog. If he can’t eat it, or fuck it, he pisses on it. I can get behind that.”
“That woman was sexy…Out of your league? Son. Let women figure out why they won’t screw you, don’t do it for them.”
“I wanted to see Detroit win. I’ve been there. It’s like God took a shit on a parking lot. They deserve some good news.”
“Son, people will always try and fuck you. Don’t waste your life planning for a fucking, just be alert when your pants are down.”
“You’re being fucking dramatic. You own a TV and an air mattress. That’s not exactly what I’d call “a lot to lose.”
“It’s not the gardener’s job to pick up the dog shit. If you don’t want to pick up the dog shit, then learn a skill like gardening.”
Unwavering
A woman’s husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day.
One day, he motioned for her to come nearer.
She sat by him.
He whispered, eyes full of tears, “You know what?
“You have been with me all through the bad times.
“When I got fired, you were there to support me.
“When my business failed, you were there.
“When I got shot, you were by my side.
“When we lost the house, you stayed right here.
“When my health started failing, you were still by my side . . .
“You know what?’
“What dear?” She gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.
“I think you’re bad luck, so fuck off!”
War all the time
Woman’s Quote of the Day:
“Men are like fine wine. They all start out like grapes, and it’s our job to stomp on them and keep them in the dark until they mature into something with which you’d like to have dinner with.”
Men’s Counter-Quote of the Day:
“Women are like fine wine. They all start out fresh, fruity and intoxicating to the mind and then turn full-bodied with age until they go all sour and vinegary and give you a headache.”
—
Once upon a time you had to pull a womans panties down to see her ass. Nowadays, you have to spread open her ass to see her panties.
New Math
Little Tommy was doing very badly in math. His parents had tried everything; flash cards, special learning centers, in short, everything they could think of.
Finally in a last dash effort, they took Tommy down and enrolled him in the local Catholic school.
After the first day, little Tommy comes home with a very serious look on his face. He doesn’t kiss his mother hello. Instead, he goes straight to his room and start studying. Books and papers are spread out all over the room and little Tommy is hard at work.
His mother is amazed. She calls him down to dinner and she was shocked, the minute he is done he marches back to his room without a word and in no time he is back hitting the books as hard as before.
This goes on for sometime, day after day while the mother tries to understand what made all the difference. Finally, little Tommy brings home his report card. He quietly lays it on the table and goes up to his room and hits the books. With great trepidation, his mom looks at it and to her surprise, little Tommy got an A in math. She can no longer hold her curiosity. She goes to his room and says, Son, what was it? Was it the nuns?
Little Tommy looks at her and shakes his head.
Well, then, she replies, was it the books, the discipline, the structure, the uniforms? What was it?
Little Tommy looks at her and says, Well, on the first day of school, when I saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew they weren’t fooling around.
Paco's Joke for Da Day 