Posts filed under ‘Had to Be There’
True Story? Five of us shared a house in the last year of university, five blokes trying to find jobs. Bob had a good opportunity with a bank, his absolute dream job. Now Bob professed to taking massive drugs.
The night before his interview as he was giving us his drugs stories, Mike produced a small pink pill, saying he didn’t know what it was, but it was reputedly strong stuff. Bob necked it and for the rest of the evening said he was a little light-headed but nothing odd.
Next day Bob returned with a tale of woe: told there was a drugs test, Bob had run out of the offices. Bye-bye nice job. Mike felt awful.
He’d told the rest of us that it was a child’s sore-throat tablet, but now Bob had messed up the offer of a good job and Mike couldn’t bear to tell Bob the truth. We eventually found jobs, girls, then marriage, kids. Except Bob: he drifted in and out of temporary jobs, traveling to Eastern Europe, Asia and then Australia, where he moved in with a girl and took a job which was nothing special, but allowed him to live.
All this time Mike was convinced he’d caused this by his lie. Ten years on when we all met up, Mike couldn’t hold it back any longer: he was so sorry, he felt awful. “That’s all right mate. Still, I wonder what might have been, eh…”
Mike left soon after. As soon as he was gone Bob burst out laughing. He’d realized the pill was nothing. In reality he’d had a change of heart. He’d had a great time traveling the world, and he couldn’t be happier. That was 10 years ago.
Bob still hasn’t told Mike.
The twenty-year lie, still going.
After careful, meticulous planning, he executed with precision timing. First he got past security, disarmed the complex security devices, lifted many most world-famous paintings from their perches, and made his way with his collectible cachet safely to his van, and made his way inconspicuously into the night.
However, only two blocks away, his van stalled- he had run out of petrol. A patrol car making it’s rounds pulled alongside, his cargo was recognized, and he was immediately taken into custody.
When asked why he would have gone to such great lengths and mastermind such a crime, and then make such an obvious, and rookie, error, he replied:
“Monsieur, but that is the reason I had to steal the paintings.
“I had no Monet.
“To buy Degas.
“To make the Van Gogh.
“Plus I figured I had nothing else Toulouse.”
The sergeant commented: “De Gaulle of this thief!”
A list of actual announcements that London Tube train drivers have made to their passengers…
1.) “Ladies and Gentlemen, I do apologize for the delay to your service. I know you’re all dying to get home, unless, of course, you happen to be married to my ex-wife, in which case you’ll want to cross over to the Westbound and go in the opposite direction.”
2.) “Your delay this evening is caused by the line controller suffering from E & B syndrome: not knowing his elbow from his backside. I’ll let you know any further information as soon as I’m given any.”
3.) “Do you want the good news first or the bad news? The good news is that last Friday was my birthday and I hit the town and had a great time. The bad news is that there is a points failure somewhere between Mile End and East Ham, which means we probably won’t reach our destination.”
4.) “Ladies and gentlemen, we apologize for the delay, but there is a security alert at Victoria station and we are therefore stuck here for the foreseeable future, so let’s take our minds off it and pass some time together. All together now…. ‘Ten green bottles, hanging on a wall…..’.”
5.) “We are now travelling through Baker Street … As you can see, Baker Street is closed. It would have been nice if they had actually told me, so I could tell you earlier, but no, they don’t think about things like that.”
6.) “Beggars are operating on this train. Please do NOT encourage these professional beggars. If you have any spare change, please give it to a registered charity. Failing that, give it to me.”
7.) During an extremely hot rush hour on the Central Line, the driver announced in a West Indian drawl: “Step right this way for the sauna, ladies and gentleman… unfortunately, towels are not provided.”
8.) “Let the passengers off the train FIRST!” (Pause ) “Oh go on then, stuff yourselves in like sardines, see if I care – I’m going home…”
9.) “Please allow the doors to close. Try not to confuse this with ‘Please hold the doors open.’ The two are distinct and separate instructions.”
10.) “Please note that the beeping noise coming from the doors means that the doors are about to close. It does not mean throw yourself or your bags into the doors.”
11.) “We can’t move off because some idiot has their hand stuck in the door.”
12.) “To the gentleman wearing the long grey coat trying to get on the second carriage — what part of ‘stand clear of the doors’ don’t you understand?”
13.) “Please move all baggage away from the doors.” (Pause..) “Please move ALL belongings away from the doors.” (Pause…) “This is a personal message to the man in the brown suit wearing glasses at the rear of the train: Put the pie down, Four-eyes, and move your bloody golf clubs away from the door before I come down there and shove them up your arse sideways!”
14.) “May I remind all passengers that there is strictly no smoking allowed on any part of the Underground. However, if you are smoking a joint, it’s only fair that you pass it round the rest of the carriage.”