Posts filed under ‘I’m in heaven’
Believe it or not
The boy comes home from Sunday school and his father asks him, “So what did you learn today?”
To which the boy replies, “We learned how the tribes of Israel were running from the soldiers of the Pharaoh and were blocked by the Red Sea. Suddenly there appeared helicopters and bombers and blew away the soldiers of the Pharaoh.”
The father said ” This is what they told you in Sunday school?”
To which the boy replied, “If I told you what they told me, you’d never believe it”
Building a bridge
A biker was riding his Harley along Pacific Coast Highway in California when suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, the clouds parted and God appeared! In a booming voice, God said, “because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish.”
The biker pulled over, thought about it, and said, “‘Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want.”
God replied, “Your request is a materialistic one; think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking; the supports required reaching the bottom of the Pacific and the concrete and steel it would take! I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that could possibly help mankind.”
The biker thought about it for a long time. Finally, he said, “My Lord, I wish that I, and all men, could understand women. I want to know how she feels inside, what she’s thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing is wrong, why she snaps and complains when I try to help. Give insight into how I and other men can make women truly happy.”
God in his infinite wisdom replied: “You want two lanes or four on that bridge?”
Biker beware
A cowboy appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. ‘Have you ever done anything of particular merit?’ St. Peter asked.
‘Well, I can think of one thing,’ the cowboy offered.
‘On a trip to the Black Hills out in South Dakota, I came upon a gang of bikers who were hassling a young lady. I told them to leave her alone, but they wouldn’t listen. So, I approached the biggest, most tattooed biker and smacked him in the face, kicked his bike over, ripped out his ear ring, and threw it on the ground.
Then I yelled, ‘Now, back off or I’ll kick the s – – t out of all of you!’
St. Peter was impressed, ‘When did this happen?’
…
‘A couple of minutes ago….’
Bobble, first edition
best of craigslist > seattle-tacoma >
Originally Posted: Wed, 16 Jul 14:27 PDT
Autographed copy of the Bible – $1,000,000,000 OBO
Date: 2009-11-16, 2:27PM PDT
I have a near-mint copy of the Bible, signed by the Big J.C. himself. According to Amazon, this is one of the better selling books of all time. I’m guessing the Prince of Peace would be happy to hear that.
This book was entrusted to me by the Knights of Templar, who borrowed it from Our Savior sometime between 28 and 32 AD and forgot to give it back. It was one of those things where they said they’d return it in a week, but then they didn’t get around to reading it right away. And you know how you always feel bad returning a book you haven’t read, especially when the lender asks you what you thought of it.
So in trying to avoid an awkward moment with the Alpha and Omega, they hung onto it until they had more time. Well that time turned into about 2000 years, and it got mixed in with some other books and made it into a yard sale box.
At first, the King of Kings’ signature wasn’t worth much, but after Our Redeemer died on the cross for your sins, apparently the value skyrocketed and then rose more gradually over the next 2000 years as more people learned of the Good Shepherd’s story.
Why am I selling it? I could say that I’m interested in sharing the Word of God with someone else – become a “Fisher of Men” so to speak. But the truth is I just bought an Xbox 360 and don’t have room on the bookshelf for both. I’ll either use the money to fight world hunger, or buy that Rock Band game I’ve been hankering for.
it’s NOT ok to contact this poster with services
or other commercial interests
CL ad du jour
best of craigslist > santa barbara >
Satanic Sexual Ritual
Date: 2009-06-18, 5:13PM PDTLooking for a woman with evil appetites.
We will have nasty, evil, sweaty, probably illegal sexual encounters in order to bring about the rise of Lucifer. (ie Satan)
Must be willing to do all styles of sexual positions, except Missionary. That is the Lord’s Way, and we will have none of that. Besides, if we do it Missionary, Satan gets angry and a kitten dies. I like kittens.
Must be into anal. For that is Satan’s Alley.
Must like blow jobs (Swallowing Lucifer’s Gravy) and Hand Jobs (Milking the Evil Goat)
Must be into slight S&M (Safe word: Pink Sock)
Must be into erotic and evil costumes and lingerie. Leather Thongs, spikes, boots, black and evil bras that accentuate your bosom, Boba Fett costumes.
Must be willing to deep throat. (So that my satanic appendage will be closer to your black soul)
Must be into strap-ons so that I may feel the “Power of Beezlebub” coursing thru my lower intestines.
The perfect encounter will be this:
Meeting you at one of our local eatery’s. Plying you with ample alcoholic libations. Enjoying a nice piece of animal flesh. Tipping the waiter only 10% instead of 15 to 20% (Because we are EVIL!) Taking you back to my lair. Removing your Gothic Garb, laying you roughly upon my “Sacrifice Altar” (Twin size futon), and promptly begin to nibble on your Satanic Slit. (Please shave before the ritual, as it’s hard to be evil when you got pubes stuck in your fillings).
Whence you are all moist with the Power of The Dark Lord’s Juices, I will remove my cape and trousers and proceed to fill you with the Sceptre of His Infernal Majesty. You will writhe in pleasure so deep, it will call forth the Evil One himself!
After 4 to 7 minutes of the most intense sexual experience of your God Fearing life, we will perform a Satanic Snuggle, until you gently fall asleep in my powerful arms.
If this taps into the Primordial Jelly you have buried deep down in your Dark Soul, then contact me and we will make beautiful, agonizing “love” together. We will combine our desires and perform rituals so evil, it will awaken the Evil Ancient One from His Firey Nap! He will spill forth from the Bowels of Hell like so much premature Satanic Ejaculate!!
PostingID: 1228602341
Paco's Joke for Da Day 