Posts filed under ‘Offensive’
A student of journalism arrives in a woodsy village to make a report on life therein. When he comes to one of the villagers and says: “Please, I have an assignment to try and portray life in your village. Could you tell me any of your village anecdotes?”
The villager replied, “Well once, a goat from our herd got lost in the woods, and as the tradition goes, we all gathered together, drank all the bottles of wine and started searching for it. When we found it, as the tradition goes, we came back to drink some more and one by one, we had sex with the goat…”
The journalist interrupts, “Oh, my! This report will be released as a public document. I cannot dare to publish that! Look, do you have a pleasant village anecdote?”
“Well, once the wife of one of our neighbors got lost in the woods, and as the tradition goes, we all drank and began a search. When we found her, as the tradition goes, we drank and one by one, we had sex with her…”
The journalist couldn’t stand it anymore, and wanting to change the topic, he asked the villager “Look, do you have an unpleasant anecdote?”
The villager, wiping away the tear that started in the corner of his eye, told the journalist, “Well, once I got lost in the woods…”
Mommy! Kinko hurt me!
How do you turn a fox into an elephant?
What is the difference between a battery and a woman?
A battery has a positive side.
What are the three fastest means of communication?
How are fat girls and mopeds alike?
They’re both fun to ride until your friends find out.
What should you give a woman who has everything?
A man to show her how to work it.
Why is the space between a woman’s breasts and her hips called a
Because you could easily fit another pair of tits in there.
How do you make 5 pounds of fat look good?
Put a nipple on it.
Why do women rub their eyes when they wake up?
Because they don’t have balls to scratch.
Why do women fake orgasms ?
Because they think men care.
What do you say to a woman with 2 black eyes?
Nothing, she’s been told twice already.
If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag at you, what have
you done wrong?
Made her chain too long
How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened when she brings it.
Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can’t even afford a washing machine will probably
never be able to support you.
Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It’s one of those ‘evolutionary things’ that allows them to stand
closer to the kitchen sink.
How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts a sentence with ‘A man once told me…’
How do you fix a woman’s watch?
You don’t. There is a clock on the oven.
Why do men pass gas more than women?
Because women can’t shut up long enough to build up the required
If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at
the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He’ll shut up once you let him in.
What’s worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman who won’t do what she’s told
I married a Miss Right.
I just didn’t know her first name was Always.
Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman’s sex drive
It’s called a Wedding Cake.
Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.
Women will never be equal to men…
Until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut,
and still think they are sexy.
A dwarf with a lisp visits a stud farm.
“I’d like to buy a horth”, he says to the owner of the farm.
“What sort of horse?” asks the owner.
“A female horth,” the dwarf replies.
So the owner shows him a mare.
“Nithe horth,” says the dwarf, “Can I thee her eyeth?”
So the owner picks up the dwarf to show him the horse’s eyes and
puts him down again.
“Nithe eyeth”, says the dwarf, “Can I thee her teeth?”
Again the owner picks up the dwarf to show him the horse’s teeth and
puts him down.
“Nithe teeth… May I now see her eerth?” the dwarf says.
By now the owner is getting a little fed up, but again picks up the
dwarf to show him the horse’s ears and then puts him down.
“Nithe eerth,” he says. “Now… Can I see her twot?”
“With this, the owner picks the dwarf up, and, holding him by the
scruff of his neck and the back of his belt, shoves his head deep
inside the horse’s v*gina. He holds him there for a couple of
seconds before pulling him out and putting him down.
The dwarf shakes his head and says, “Perhaps I should weefwaze that:
Can I see her wun awound?”