Posts filed under ‘War all the time’
An area man is winded after a particularly lengthy Wendy’s order, the NRA sets 1,000 killed in a school shooting as the amount it would take them to reconsider much of anything, and a Ford assembly line worker is thinking about asking out a cute welding robot from work.
A: Working in my garage. I have about 135 cars and 90 motorcycles. It’s a little silly, but my thing has always been one woman and 200 vehicles. It’s cheaper than one car and 200 girlfriends.
Overheard during actual conversations:
“I was devastated to find out my wife was having an affair but, by turning to religion, I was soon able to come to terms with the whole thing. I converted to Islam, and we’re stoning her in the morning!”
“The wife suggested I get myself one of those penis enlargers, so I did. She’s 25, and her name’s Kathy.”
“Went to our local bar with my girlfriend last night. Locals were shouting “pedophile!” and other names at me, just because my girlfriend is 24 and I’m 50. It completely spoiled our 10th anniversary.”
“My son was thrown out of school today for letting a girl in his class give him a hand-job. I said ‘Son, that’s three schools this year! You’d better stop before you’re banned from teaching altogether.'”
“A man calls 911 and says ‘I think my wife is dead.’ The operator says, ‘How do you know?’ The man says ‘The sex is about the same, but the ironing is piling up!'”
“I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated, but must come back as a different creature. She said she would like to come back as a cow. I said, ‘You obviously haven’t been
“My wife has been missing a week now. The police said to prepare for the worst. So, I had to go down to Goodwill to get all of her clothes back.”
“The Red Cross just knocked on my door and asked if we could contribute towards the floods in Pakistan. I said we’d love to, but our garden hose only reaches the driveway.”
“I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with “Guess” on it…so I said ‘Implants?'”
Onion editorial cartoonist Stan Kelly is one of the world’s top opinion-makers. He gets up close and personal in this new video series.
Inspired by the First Lady’s health plan for children, Vice President Joe Biden has pledged to make every American woman beach-ready.