Archive for June, 2011
Animals being dicks
Click the pic to go see more dicks (you will thank me for it). (u are welcome.)
A brief musical interlude with Adrian Belew
A song that never fails to leave a smile on my face. Cheesy cgi, I know-but it’s from 1982, so whaddya expect? It’s all about the song, pally.
Eliciting Audible Groans
A thief was in Paris planning to steal some of the most famous paintings in the Louvre.
After careful, meticulous planning, he executed with precision timing. First he got past security, disarmed the complex security devices, lifted many most world-famous paintings from their perches, and made his way with his collectible cachet safely to his van, and made his way inconspicuously into the night.
However, only two blocks away, his van stalled- he had run out of petrol. A patrol car making it’s rounds pulled alongside, his cargo was recognized, and he was immediately taken into custody.
When asked why he would have gone to such great lengths and mastermind such a crime, and then make such an obvious, and rookie, error, he replied:
“Monsieur, but that is the reason I had to steal the paintings.
“I had no Monet.
“To buy Degas.
“To make the Van Gogh.
“Plus I figured I had nothing else Toulouse.”
The sergeant commented: “De Gaulle of this thief!”
Overheard on the London Underground
A list of actual announcements that London Tube train drivers have made to their passengers…
1.) “Ladies and Gentlemen, I do apologize for the delay to your service. I know you’re all dying to get home, unless, of course, you happen to be married to my ex-wife, in which case you’ll want to cross over to the Westbound and go in the opposite direction.”
2.) “Your delay this evening is caused by the line controller suffering from E & B syndrome: not knowing his elbow from his backside. I’ll let you know any further information as soon as I’m given any.”
3.) “Do you want the good news first or the bad news? The good news is that last Friday was my birthday and I hit the town and had a great time. The bad news is that there is a points failure somewhere between Mile End and East Ham, which means we probably won’t reach our destination.”
4.) “Ladies and gentlemen, we apologize for the delay, but there is a security alert at Victoria station and we are therefore stuck here for the foreseeable future, so let’s take our minds off it and pass some time together. All together now…. ‘Ten green bottles, hanging on a wall…..’.”
5.) “We are now travelling through Baker Street … As you can see, Baker Street is closed. It would have been nice if they had actually told me, so I could tell you earlier, but no, they don’t think about things like that.”
6.) “Beggars are operating on this train. Please do NOT encourage these professional beggars. If you have any spare change, please give it to a registered charity. Failing that, give it to me.”
7.) During an extremely hot rush hour on the Central Line, the driver announced in a West Indian drawl: “Step right this way for the sauna, ladies and gentleman… unfortunately, towels are not provided.”
8.) “Let the passengers off the train FIRST!” (Pause ) “Oh go on then, stuff yourselves in like sardines, see if I care – I’m going home…”
9.) “Please allow the doors to close. Try not to confuse this with ‘Please hold the doors open.’ The two are distinct and separate instructions.”
10.) “Please note that the beeping noise coming from the doors means that the doors are about to close. It does not mean throw yourself or your bags into the doors.”
11.) “We can’t move off because some idiot has their hand stuck in the door.”
12.) “To the gentleman wearing the long grey coat trying to get on the second carriage — what part of ‘stand clear of the doors’ don’t you understand?”
13.) “Please move all baggage away from the doors.” (Pause..) “Please move ALL belongings away from the doors.” (Pause…) “This is a personal message to the man in the brown suit wearing glasses at the rear of the train: Put the pie down, Four-eyes, and move your bloody golf clubs away from the door before I come down there and shove them up your arse sideways!”
14.) “May I remind all passengers that there is strictly no smoking allowed on any part of the Underground. However, if you are smoking a joint, it’s only fair that you pass it round the rest of the carriage.”
In UK Newspapers
Commenting on a complaint from a Mr. Arthur Purdey about a large gas bill, a spokesman for North West Gas said, “We agree it was rather high for the time of year. It’s possible Mr. Purdey has been charged for the gas used up during the explosion that destroyed his house.” (The Daily Telegraph)
Police reveal that a woman arrested for shoplifting had a whole salami in her underwear. When asked why, she said it was because she was missing her Italian boyfriend. (The Manchester Evening News)
Irish police are being handicapped in a search for a stolen van, because they cannot issue a description. It’s a Special Branch vehicle and they don’t want the public to know what it looks like. (The Guardian)
A young girl who was blown out to sea on a set of inflatable teeth was rescued by a man on an inflatable lobster. A coast guard spokesman commented, “This sort of thing is all too common.” (The Times)
At the height of the gale, the harbourmaster radioed a coast guard and asked him to estimate the wind speed. He replied he was sorry, but he didn’t have a gauge. However, if it was any help, the wind had just blown his Land Rover off the cliff. (Aberdeen Evening Express)
Mrs. Irene Graham of Thorpe Avenue, Boscombe, delighted the audience with her reminiscence of the German prisoner of war who was sent each week to do her garden. He was repatriated at the end of 1945, she recalled: “He’d always seemed a nice friendly chap, but when the crocuses came up in the middle of our lawn in February 1946, they spelt out ‘Heil Hitler.'” (Bournemouth Evening Echo)
Paco's Joke for Da Day 