Posts filed under ‘I’m in heaven’
Absolution
A man was sent to Hell for his sins.
As he was being processed, he passed a room where an economist he knew was having an intimate conversation with a beautiful woman.
“What a crummy deal!” The man complained. “I have to burn for all eternity and that economist spends it with that gorgeous woman.”
An escorting demon jabs the man with his pitchfork and shouts, “Who are you to question that woman’s punishment?”
Church Organist
There was this small church that had a very big-busted Organist. Her breasts were so huge that they bounced and jiggled while she played the organ. Unfortunately, she distracted the congregation considerably. The very proper church ladies were appalled. They said something had to be done about this or they would have to get another Organist.
So, one of the ladies approached her very discreetly and told her to mash up some green Persimmons and rub them on the nipples of her breasts and maybe they would shrink in size, but warned her to not eat any of the green Persimmons, though, “because they are so sour they will make your mouth pucker up and you won’t be able to talk properly for a while.”
She agreed to try it.
The following Sunday morning the minister got up in the pulpit and said…
“Dew to thircumsthanthis bewond my contwol, We will not hath a thermon tewday.”
Rim shots
Two penguins standing on a big rock were chatting when one suddenly remarked to the other, “You really look like you’re wearing a tuxedo.”
And the second penguin said, “What makes you think I’m not?”
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I have a recipe for making holy water. Fill the kettle with tap water and boil the hell out of it.
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The History Channel… where History repeats itself.
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A keyring is a handy little gadget that allows you to lose all your keys at once.
Sisters of Mercy
A sailor arrives in port, and he desperately needs to get laid. So he diembarks and walks into the likeliest part of town. He sees a sign: “Sisters of Mercy Convent & Brothel.”
He walks into what appears to be a church. There’s a nun sitting by a table near the door. She immediately intuits what it is he’s looking for and says, “put $5 in this tin cup and walk through that door.”
The sailor does so, and enters a small room, where there’s another nun sitting by another door. , also at a table and with a cup. “$10,” she says, and he go through the next door.
The sailor is now in a third room, where a third nun with a table and cup asks for $15, and again tells him go through a door.
The horny sailor coughs up the dough, and walks through the fourth door. It slams and locks behind him. He looks around and realizes he is in an alley, and as he is facing a brick wall he reads a large sign: “You have just been screwed by the Sisters of Mercy”.
The Congresscritter
While crossing the street one day a Member of Congress is tragically hit by a bus and dies.
His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.
“Welcome to heaven, sir” says St. Peter.
“Before you settle in, there would seem to be a slight problem. We seldom ever see an elected official around these parts, so we’re not sure if you really belong here.”
“Well you could just let me in,” says the man.
“Well, as much as I’d like to, I have just received orders from higher up. What we’ll do is have you spend one day in hell and one day in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity.”
“Well that’s great, but if it’s all the same with you I’ve already made up my mind. I really want to be in heaven,” says the Congressman.
“I’m sorry, but you’ll have to abide by the ruling.”
And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down into hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a beautiful green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his formerly departed friends and other politicians who he had known.
Everyone is very happy, partying heartily with a great banquet of sumptuous food and expensive drink. They all bellow out a greeting in unison and he runs over to greet them, shake hands and pat backs, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the suckers electorate.
They play a friendly and boisterous game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and champagne, while in the company of beautiful women.
Also present is the devil himself, who turns out to be the most friendly & charismatic man (in a hell full of them), who has a great time regaling his denizens with ribald stories and only the funniest of jokes. They are having such a good time that before he realizes it, it is time for him to leave.
Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves goodbye while the elevator rises… up, up, up until the door eventually opens on a blue and peaceful heaven where St. Peter is again waiting for him.
“Now it’s time for your day in heaven.”
So, 24 hours pass with the Representative joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They seem to be having a good time but the politician is unbelievably bored. Finally, after what seems like an eternity, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.
“Well, then, you have spent one day in hell and another in heaven. We must now ask you to choose your eternity.”
The Representative reflects for a less than a minute, then he answers: “Well, heaven has been… delightful… but to be honest I think I would fit in better down in hell.”
So St. Peter without pause escorts the politician to the elevator and he goes down, down, down once more into the depths of hell.
The doors of the elevator open and he finds himself in the middle of a barren desert, land covered with mountainous barrels of hazardous waste oozing sludge, steaming piles of festering bubbling sizzling chemicals, and the most rotten smells which he can taste it in his mouth. It is all he can do to refrain from vomiting.
After awhile forlornly gazing upon this unexpected landscape he sees his friends. They are dressed in rags, and picking through the waste and putting it into buckets as still more waste oozes from beneath the ground.
Suddenly the politician feels a cold arm around his shoulder. It is the devil himself, grinning at the politician from ear to ear.
“I… I… I don’t understand!” stammers the Congressman. “Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and a clubhouse, we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, played golf, and had a great old time. Now there’s just this toxic wasteland and everyone looks utterly miserable. What changed?”
The devil looks at him, smiles and says, “Yesterday we were campaigning… Today you voted.”
Paco's Joke for Da Day 