Archive for May, 2012
Reasons for Sensitivity Training for Men
Overheard during actual conversations:
“I was devastated to find out my wife was having an affair but, by turning to religion, I was soon able to come to terms with the whole thing. I converted to Islam, and we’re stoning her in the morning!”
“The wife suggested I get myself one of those penis enlargers, so I did. She’s 25, and her name’s Kathy.”
“Went to our local bar with my girlfriend last night. Locals were shouting “pedophile!” and other names at me, just because my girlfriend is 24 and I’m 50. It completely spoiled our 10th anniversary.”
“My son was thrown out of school today for letting a girl in his class give him a hand-job. I said ‘Son, that’s three schools this year! You’d better stop before you’re banned from teaching altogether.'”
“A man calls 911 and says ‘I think my wife is dead.’ The operator says, ‘How do you know?’ The man says ‘The sex is about the same, but the ironing is piling up!'”
“I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated, but must come back as a different creature. She said she would like to come back as a cow. I said, ‘You obviously haven’t been
listening.'”
“My wife has been missing a week now. The police said to prepare for the worst. So, I had to go down to Goodwill to get all of her clothes back.”
“The Red Cross just knocked on my door and asked if we could contribute towards the floods in Pakistan. I said we’d love to, but our garden hose only reaches the driveway.”
“I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with “Guess” on it…so I said ‘Implants?'”
Behind The Pen: How Marriage Works
Onion editorial cartoonist Stan Kelly is one of the world’s top opinion-makers. He gets up close and personal in this new video series.
This Week In History: Sears Tower Constructed With Bold Challenge To God Engraved On Roof
The Onion reflects on the discovery of the first lesbian, the joyous Hindenburg explosion, and the Sears Tower’s challenge to God.
Santorum Now Viciously Condemning Homosexuals, Minorities, Women For $100,000 Speaking Fee
A 5-year-old announces that the circle is no longer her favorite shape, former Kentucky Derby winner Big Brown makes his comeback to horse racing as a jockey, and the guitar music fad runs its course.
Romney Courts Hispanic Vote With Animated Sombrero-Wearing Parrot
This week the Romney campaign introduced “Paco”, a taco-loving cartoon parrot, in hopes of appealing to Latino voters.
Medium Channels The Spirits Of Old Acquaintances For Awkward Small Talk
Psychic Kenneth Quinn connects Today Now! studio guests with former landlords and friends of work friends who have died for stilted conversations from beyond.
It Easy To Tell What Area Man Will Look Like As Skeleton
An anxiety-ridden man is rightly ashamed of every single thing that he does, half a sleeve of Oreos is lost in a house fire, and a local man has had more than enough beach.
Paco's Joke for Da Day 